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The word willingness stopped me cold….

So, I’m reading this book and towards the end it starts to equate certain words with steps in the 12 step programs in OA, etc… faith, hope, etc.. okay, yup, I’m ready, got it, doing fine, I can do this…

Then it slapped me in the face- willingness.

I couldn’t lie to myself, even though I desperately wanted to. Nope, wasn’t willing, not ready…not yet.

Freaking pisses me off..what am I? Seriously, am I that much of an asshole that I don’t want to make myself better?

Anyway, I’ve been tossing it around in my head this past week, and went about my regular life.

Tonight in bed, I decided I can’t do this anymore. I think I’m finally willing.

I’ve been struggling and fighting this thought process every step of the way. Stop fighting, let go…it’s not a punishment, it’s my salvation. It will help me…it will help me break free of this vicious cycle.

No more sugar…no more. You’re first to go again…wheat, you won’t be far behind, so don’t get too comfortable.  Flour, you’re no friend to me either…you lure me in with your seductive ways then leave me with regret…

Tomorrow is another day, and I think I’ve finally overcome what stopped me last week. I’m willing now…I wasn’t willing yesterday.

…Remember, addiction is not about likes and dislikes.  It is operating at the instinctual level of our being. The body will always know what triggers the addiction. The mind lies.

This is a quote taken from “Food Addiction: The Body Knows” by Kay Sheppard. Man, did this hit home for me. The mind lies….my mind lies to me all the time. It tells me I can handle my trigger food, just one bite won’t hurt me. Just for today, and tomorrow I’ll be back on track. That’s not true. Yet, time after time, I believe my mind. I need to start trusting my body instead.

My mind uses me, and guides me into making choices my body regrets. I let it lie to me, knowingly. It’s easier soemtimes….I just hate the feelings afterwards.

I eat to feel good, but end up feeling badly. A vicious battleground, a vicious circle.

All addiction involves the compulsive pursuit of a mood change by engaging repeatedly in a process despite adverse consequences. (Kay Sheppard)

I wanted to stop somewhere the other day to get something…something I wanted…a lot. My husband jokingly acted like he was about to pass the turn that held my momentary salvation. My heart started racing, and I started to panic…no, don’t pass. He didn’t, but boy did my own reaction bother me.

Catching myself, did I stop myself from getting my salvation. Nope, I said…this time, but next time I’ll pass by. I’m good at lying to myself. I do it all the time. I make bargains- I’ll get rid of this and this, but I get to keep that.

Sucks. I’m a grown-up…time to grow-up and deal with this. I am stronger than this..

I’m ready. I know that my desires, wants, and urgencies go out the door when I eat clean. I know I’ll be okay, and this crazy thoughts don’t consume me when I’m clean. Give me 3-4 days, and all those feelings melt away and don’t eat at me. They don’t haunt me, and they don’t sit in my head, and my body feels fine. Get through less than 1 week, and you’re on your way.

When we do feel hungry, we usually also feel panic and anxiety. Food has become our principal source of security. It has replaced God. - Kaye Sheppard, MA, “Food Addiction: the Body Knows”

“Oh my God!” I exclaimed..and then it hit me…oh…”MY” God. A clear picture stood before me. Has it really gotten that bad? Yeah, in all honesty it has…over the years, I’ve turned to food for my security in moments when I needed salvation. I needed relief, and I needed hope.

I didn’t realize what I had done. I’m doing a lot of reflecting right now, and really stopping to look back at my past, present and future with food. In taking time to remember those tiny memories like my dad telling me I have the appetite of a linebacker when I was in 5th grade, or sneaking extras when nobody might hear me. Now I am in my 40’s, and while I don’t hide food like I used to, I still panic and hoard food at times, for fear I won’t have enough of my “addictive” food when I need it.

I’m very open with my husband, and he understands my patterns. I remember the first time I said, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I get this way, afraid to share and hoarding food. I do hoard food, and I have trouble controlling it sometimes. He said, “I know” in a soft, understanding voice. YOU KNOW!!!! Holy cow, it’s not some big secret like I thought…you see me doing it? Duh…he lives with me, but understands that I struggle in this capacity. He works with me now to help me make better choices. I’m getting better at sharing, but it’s still a struggle somedays.

Anyway…I think that’s all I have to say today…just a lot of thinking after this book. I started the next book last night, and think that this week will be a fresh awakening for me.

I’ve been reading a book by Kay Sheppard (thanks to my friend) called “Food Addiction, The Body Knows”. Some of the passages really hit home with me. I have a second book I’m reading this week called “From the First Bite” by the same author. The thing is, my life is great…except for one piece of it…Food. I’m in denial, and believing I can control or handle the situation. I’m lying to myself..control is out the door. It’s not that I’m binging or purging, it’s the compulsive eating…the mind games I play with myself, and the intense urgency. No, seriously…URGENCY..I NEED IT NOW.

Anyway, there were a few passages I wanted to share with you. Today, I’d like to talk about this particular one:

When a food addict loses control, it’s like being driven at knife point to get and eat binge foods. There is an urgency which is never satisfied.

Sometimes it’s hard to explain things to my husband in just the right way. This book is helping me. I read certain passages to him this week, as I read the book. Profound for me, and it’s helping him see what I’ve been trying to explain. It puts it in words that I can’t seem to express. It’s a physiological level, not just a “thought” I can turn off. My body responds, just like a drug addicts, only I react to certain foods.

While I’ve been off sugar for a full week again, we realize it’s not enough. I need to go back to clean eating, because then the obsession stops. Then my body starts to heal, and sanity and dignity return.

I’ll be sharing more passages with you this week. I’d also like to change this theme again. I’m not loving this one…and I thought I would. Oh well, I have a creative hunger, so changing themes time to time helps that.

You see, when I’m eating normal, I don’t gain. I stay the same. When I work hard, I stay the same.

Maybe it just comes down to moderation. Ya know, a little at a time, and you’ll be just fine. I’m not sure, but lately, while ideas float in my head…”maybe I should do this, maybe I should do that”, I just drift back to living my life without obsessing over food anymore.

I think I like this non obsessing thing, and just doing what I’m doing. If I make the right choices most the time, those small wrong choices shouldn’t make too big of an impact.

What frustrates me the most is that I’m doing NOTHING…nothing at all…and I’m at the same place I was when I worked out regularly and ate clean. Why? It all seems wrong. I should have seen progress, at least some progress.

80% of it is what you put in your mouth…

My husband has conceded, and it’s time for us to get back to eating healthier choices. We’ve both gotten lax and fallen into poor habits this past week. We seem to go on and off a cycle. Our goal is to eliminate the extra chemicals during October. Make homemade fresh soup, not eat canned soup….cook up turkey breast or chicken breast for lunch meat, along with other ideas.

It was a habit and pattern I thought was ingrained in me, but I went another direction when I rebelled. I went to the extreme, then I came back, then slid again. It seems to be an up and down pattern anymore. Together, it becomes an easier process, so that we’ve both eating the same things and the same way…healthier.

I’m sitting here this morning, and realizing that a year later, not much has changed. My body has a similar shape that it did last year. My eating patters are on and off, and my weight is consistent.

That’s a frustrating thing. I put forth time, energy, money, and change, and not much has changed. Sure some things changed, I don’t mean that NOTHING has, but in the scheme of things, if I had not put out the effort that I had, would I have gotten larger, or would I still be the same? I don’t know that answer.

I learned a lot. I met an incredible and inspiring woman with whom I trained…I changed my attitude in a lot of ways, and I grew some confidence. A nice set of balls doesn’t hurt, because generally I don’t have them.

Anyway…here I sit, and I think I’m pretty much consistent with where I was this time last year.

I’m glad a lot of the local LBI restaurants were closed this week when I went down. I was doing some research for one of my websites, and there’s some good food on the island! I did find a new place, and ended up having a sub there. They’re an all natural place, so anything they sell, they’ve made fresh.

I need to jump back in, and rid my body of sugar. I’ve been sliding again, and if I don’t stop it now, I’ll find myself in a heap of  trouble.

I don’t even know why I go back to it. My body feels better without it, my skin looks better without sugar in my diet, and honestly- my flipping bowels thank me when the sugar is gone.

I guess I’m just a slow learner, or maybe just too damn stubborn. Who knows, either way, my body is telling me to pull itself out of the gutter of sugar and glutton.

I do love my LBI though, but I didn’t have any fried seafood, though I did plenty enough damage!

I expected to be smaller this September. I’m not. It’s okay, I’ve built confidence, learned new and healthy habits, and learned to actually enjoy exercising (sometimes).

I started a beginner’s Yoga class that is small, and have enjoyed that. I went back to the gym this week to work out. I’m going again next week. I haven’t decided my time after that point.

I’m also heading out to a “conference” of sort in Orlando next week, and I’d hoped I’d be a smaller me by then. I’m not. It’s okay…hear the pattern? ha

Anyway, I didn’t want you to think I fell off the face of the earth- I started school this week, and after a weird twist, I finished school this week. It turns out by getting this license, I’d put my other license in jeopardy! Long story, but not one you need to worry about. It’s just some weird technical thing with NJ and how they handle cosmo/skin care/and nail licenses when you have more than one. Either way, I’m opting to keep my 2 licenses, rather than get my master, and keep my EPL status (mature licenses) rather than starting over again with a new one as well. Soooooooooooo….here I am, back to my daily grind, so I should be writing a little more frequently again. I got distracted doing some web work to get it out of the way before school during the last week or so.