I keep waiting for a revelation and it hasn’t come. I keep wanting to know why I don’t have that snap in my brain that says, okay, now you do the right things the right way, all the time, not some of the time. I’m missing a piece of the puzzle, eh?

I walked this weekend yet again, even with a sore foot. I kept going, and did it even when I was tired and didn’t want to. I got out there, I hit the pavement, and I went….

And still, weeks later…nothing. I’ve not lost a single, solitary pound. Oh I know the reason, I’m not asking for clues…I’m exercising, but my eating isn’t in line to where it should be. Let’s face it, I’m on one or the other, and doing both seems to overwhelm me. Why? Who the heck knows, but getting both to work at the same time is not happening at this point.

I’m so frustrated.

I’m mad at myself, because I’m the only one keeping myself from success.

I’m mad that even though I’ve been walking for 6 weeks now, I’ve yet to shed a single pound. I’m not talking some pansy-arse walking, not working…I’m talking close to 3 miles up and down hills that has me soaked in sweat when I get home…and nothing. Sure I can climb stairs without it bothering me now, whoop-die-flipping-doo. My arse is just as large…that’s what has me frustrated. I know it takes time, and I’ve got nothing but time, but after awhile….after a little while, you just want to see some reward to your work…a little payoff.

Is it too much to ask?

It’s been a week since I last checked in. Let me tell you, I walked last night. I walked 70 minutes, and my feet are telling me that 50 minutes would have been just fine! Does it get easier? I notice some days when I’m out and about, it doesn’t feel like I’ve been walking at all! Yet, climbing stairs, I really feel great. I think it’s the hills we’ve been climbing, which is building those muscles in the backs of my thighs.

My legs are still just as chubby and aren’t getting leaner. My scale hates me, and yet I’m still walking. I know I need to. I don’t like it anymore, but I’m still plugging along. Maybe one day I’ll get up and like a merry maid skip about that I get to walk again today…but I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

What happens to the metabolism keeps going all day long? What happens that everyone and their brother suddenly drops 20 pounds because I’m walking, but I gain 3? What’s that crap about? I’m still walking…begrudgingly, but I’m moving.

Yes, it happened. I was tired…I didn’t want to get up, and I went back to bed. I didn’t walk this morning, and I feel like a loser. I know, I know, it was one day, but one bad day can become a bad habit. I plan on making sure I hit the pavement tomorrow, so I don’t start the pattern of excuses. My walking buddy is off to DC, and I’m left to make sure I get my rump out the door. Tomorrow is another day, and I will be sure to hit the road first thing tomorrow morning, buddy or no buddy.

I’ve been walking with a friend, and we’re doing well. Yesterday we did over a mile in the morning, and close to 3 miles in the evening. Walking with a friend makes it so much easier. Today, I went over, but she didn’t sleep well, so we planned to walk tonight at 8, instead of this morning. I was dressed, so I decided to do half or our regular walk. It was well over a mile, and I knew I’d hit a point where I was going even if I was alone.

WOW! What a moment…

I walked on my own, huffing and puffing up and down those hills and went even though I knew I was going to go tonight again. I could have gone back inside and said, phew, not until later. It made me feel good that I went anyway. That was a good feeling.

I’ll be going back out again tonight! See you out there~

I went out walking last night. I walked close to 4 miles last night. I came home drenched in sweat, as we happened to go a little farther then usual. It feels good when I’m done, but every single time, those moments before I go out for a walk, I want to make an excuse…it’s too hot, I don’t feel good, I don’t want to. I went, and I’m always glad I did when I’m done.

The funny thing is that I went to a foot doctor yesterday, and the Podiatrist gave me some anti-inflammatory medicine, along with these little pads to put on the bottom of my foot. They are shaped like a “U”, and you put the painful area inside the cut out area, and the padding around it absorbs the shock. I’ve had pain with my 5th metatarsal on my left foot, and thought it might be a stress fracture. The pad rocks! It helped me walk and I barely felt the pain! How incredible is that? Of course, when I took it off, waking up this morning, climbing out of bed, I feel it again, but the pads will help me get through once I’m showered and ready for the day. I did get permission to keep walking, so that’s good news.

Now if only I can match these two things up together….the exercise and the calorie intake, I might just see results! On the other hand, the chance of that happening right now is slim! For now, I’ll keep on moving, because I  have better control over that.

I hate myself right now. I just binged on Double Stuff Oreos. I ate 3/4 of a bag, and I know that if the rest were there, I would have eaten them as well. I’m angry right now, because I only bought one container of Oreos at the store. I need something else. Dinner is in 15 minutes, and it will fill in..step-in so to speak for the Oreos. Let me shovel it in my mouth, and I’ll stifle these emotions of anger.

I feel a lack of respect in a situation and three times today, that issue is coming up. I’m trying not to control a situation, but it’s controlling me, and I’m about to go through the roof, so Oreos were my drug of choice. I’m grateful I don’t choose a harder drug or drink, but I hate how I turn to things so I don’t snap with my emotions. I’m angry, I’m frustrated, and though I’ve stated it, it doesn’t seem to matter.

I don’t want to be this way, but I’m not ready for help. I’d rather deal with the bag of Oreos than those feelings of anger coming to the surface. I don’t want to yell, I want to use a calm voice and state my thoughts, and yet I feel it bursting from my gut up to my throat….QUICK! Shove something down my throat, don’t let it out.

I want to cry, because I don’t want to be like this. I’m a grown woman, and I would rather deal with some extra calories than the feelings I’m looking at. What’s wrong with me? Why do I do these things?

I’m sitting here thinking about lunch. Last night, I made a wise decision to use the rest of my Nutrisystem food for lunches so it doesn’t go to waste. Here I am thinking about other food that will go to “waist” instead. The answer is right in front of me, but like a rebellious child I’m turning my nose away saying I want something else.

I know that if I eat the food before me, it will satisfy me, and it will taste fine, but my brain is playing with bad and naughty fattening food. i want something else, give me anything else, I just want something else. I have a house full of food, and I’d be more than happy to leave to pick something else up, it’s just sitting here trying to beat my brain at it’s own game. Tame the beast, quickly eat something not bad for me, and the hunger that triggers my brain will be subdued for now…or will it? Will it keep at me, causing me to have eaten something now, but ending up going out anyway, and ending up feeling stuffed and frustrated I gave in to the call of the beast. I just hate when I feel like this. I know that sanity in my mind says, stop thinking about it so much and just eat, but that’s telling an addict not to use their drug of choice….

Oh yay, exercise! Do you want me to cheer? It’s not going to happen. I’ve never been big on exercise, and I don’t think at this point in my life I’m suddenly going to love doing it. I do realize it’s the one piece missing in this puzzle and something I don’t stick with well. I’m slowly working on that thought, and each morning am setting out to walk. I’m averaging about 2.5 miles a day up and down hills.

I didn’t want to walk this morning, I wanted to be left alone. I was tired, grumpy and just wanted a little time to wake up. The difference this time was somebody was waiting for me to go walking with them, so I begrudingly went out the door and went walking. I am glad I did. When I finished I felt good. I was tired and sweaty and knew that I’d made the right decision.

The problem is I’m not good at sticking with things, because I don’t see results for awhile. This time, I’m not walking to change my outside body, as much as I’m walking to change my inside body. I’m hoping that will keep me going strong. Sure if my outside body changes, all the better, but I have Diabetes, and exercise will make me healthier. High blood pressure runs in my family, and mine is low, but the doctor likes to remind me, being overweight, that can change anytime. I’m walking because I want to be here for awhile. I think having a purpose on the inside, rather than waiting for the change on the outside will help me stay a little more focused. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see changes on the outside, I want to look great, but its’ not my own goal now, because let’s face it, after looking at my overweight body in the mirror for the last 20 years, I’m used to seeing myself this way, and it isn’t as scary as it used to be. I’m just “used to it”.

Anyway, I got my bottom out there today, and yesterday, which was a big step, since I’d just come home from vacation and it’s easy to fall into a pattern of stopping after a trip.

I’m putting one foot in front of the other mentally and physically. I’m hoping this time that I stick with it a little longer.