I got weighed yesterday with my trainer. My weight is exactly the same as when I left. I’ll take that, as usually people tend to gain a little on vacation. I’m continuing my journey. It was hard to work-out again yesterday, but I was glad I did. In fact, I’m glad I’m booked for awhile.

I’ve turned a corner, and mentally, I want to work out. I like going, and I know each tiny bit of work I do, one day at a time, my body will change. It’s hard that the scale isn’t dropping numbers faster, but my body is becoming more solid. What used to just be slabs of flab, now offers me solid muscles underneath that layer. My trainer noticed my back is much more firm, though I can’t see it! My husband says my bottom is changing.

I can feel it in my arms, and see it in my shoulders, and I swear my calves are starting to actually start to take a shape. They had all the curve of tree trunks before, but there’s a tiny bit of curve going on there. My hips have gotten smaller, and I feel a little more narrow than I was. It’s fun to see, and in moments like yesterday standing in front of the mirror, I can shift in moments from seeing how fat I still am, to seeing tiny changes. It’s a rollercoaster of wanting it now, and suddenly seeing something small.

At dinner last night, I told my husband how I felt badly that it cost a lot to go to the trainer, but he agrees, she knows what she’s doing, and I need the help. I’m so grateful for that kind of support. It means the world to me. I can’t put a price on my health. I need to conquer this weight, drop the Diabetes, and get my lab work numbers to shine and impress the doctor!

Onward I march, one day at a time.

I avoided cheeseburgers, but I didn’t avoid cheesecake. I avoided french fries, and I overdosed on turkey sandwiches. I’ll bet you were waiting to hear, eh?

I allowed myself two major desserts this week on my vacation. I made compromises with myself and chose healthier choices when I knew I’d be having a treat. I actually stopped and thought about choices. I really wanted the megaburger and fries with the fried onions, and the gooey cheese, and the mushrooms and other good stuff on it. I choose the turkey sandwich on multi-grain bread with melon salad. I made a choice. If I want to allow myself sweets at some point, I was going to have to avoid those burgers and fries. You know what, I enjoyed the turkey just as much.

I opted for turkey sandwiches, steak and salads, and broiled chicken most days and nights. I left Wednesday night of last week, and returned yesterday, which was 9 days later. I had two big time desserts. The big time ones: one sundae, one piece of cheesecake….and I ended up with a stomach ache after the cheesecake, because it was too much. I should have eaten half of it. I would have been just as satisfied, and I’m learning that.

I can eat 1 piece of pizza and feel as satisfied as eating 3 pieces. I can say, no cheese on the sandwich, and I still enjoy my lunch. I can get a different side than french fries and still smile at the end of the meal.

I can get home and not weigh myself…oh wait, that’s not true, I want to weigh myself like crazy! LOL I asked my hubby to hide the scale though, so it’s driving me nuts. I’ll know the results of my choices Tuesday at the trainers.

Also, I walked and walked and walked and walked and walked….it’s Disney World, enough said. My feet were screaming at the end of each day, but I kept going! We also swam twice too.

I’ll be going to Disney this week into next. It will be the first time I’ve had to make choices while away for an entire week, and I’ve been very good for a long time.

I know at the food court, I have the option of chicken (not fried) which I had often last time, but in the parks themselves, I’m going to have to prepare myself to be strong. Snacks are included. While I have healthy options packed for the room, and protein breakfast bars for the morning, it’s the relaxed attitude, the “I’m on vacation” that can throw me. It’s easy to say, well, just now, or just this time. I don’t want to do that. I want to make choices that are good, because I want to make good choices.

I can choose an apple over cheesecake, it just takes my hand picking up the apple.

I can choose a salad over a burger, it takes these words out of my mouth…”Salad, please.”

I’m excited and nervous all at the same time. I’ve been in a zone for awhile now, and I’d like to stay there. To say this won’t challenge me would be foolish.

I guess the question is, do I want to be bigger than the challenge and be smaller, or give in, and be bigger on the scale. I’ve been working so hard, I have no intention of throwing it all away. I’ll still enjoy my vacation, enjoy my food choices, but I must think before putting something in my mouth.

I’ll be away until around Thanksgiving, so have a great holiday to those who celebrate it, and peace and cheers to everyone.

See you on the flip side.

I want to feel pretty again. The first picture on the left represents the last time I felt pretty. The picture on the right was taken a couple of weeks ago. There’s about a 50 pound difference between the two pictures. I think I’ve had a lot of confidence growing up, because I always had boyfriends, or was given attention based on my appearance. At some point, I became invisible.

If you’ve always been invisible, then you may not understand that feeling of once being looked at, and missing that. I can walk into a store or a restaurant, and not one head will turn my way. Okay, well, maybe the senior citizens who forget to put their glasses on…I’m scoring some attention from the 70+ and over crowd.

It’s shallow, I know, but I want to like what I see again. I want to become visible once again, and turn a head once in awhile.

Don’t get me wrong, my self-confidence doesn’t rely on it, but it has taken a hit over the last 5 years. It’s my fault, I got myself in this predicament. This is where I am now, and it’s okay. I’m working on it and making strides.

I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m hoping next year that I can feel pretty again. I miss pretty…and I miss others seeing me as pretty.

I grew up being “the smart one”, while my sister was a knock-out. My boyfriends would come home with me, and end up with a crush on my sister. Ah, sibling rivalries….I want to be “the pretty one too”. Don’t let me impress you with my knowledge, let me stun you with a pretty face. I’m allowed to be shallow right now, I’m 100 pounds over weight and it’s my party to cry at.

The thought of losing all of this weight overwhelms me some days, but mostly right now, I just feel good. It blows my mind I’ve spent the last 20 years over weight. Even in the picture on the left, I was a good 180-190. Somewhere over 220-230, I got sloppy fat. The kind of overweight that you just can’t hide that shit anymore. See before that, you can fool yourself….it’s not about fooling others. It’s about fooling your own brain into believe you still look okay. I stopped fooling myself, and now I want to look good again.

So this is what 40 is looking like right now, the other picture, was about 33 or 34. I want to know what 41 is going to look like. I want 41 to blow me away.

I’m plugging along, but some days I feel things more than others. I can feel great 13 days in a row, then on day 14 my head starts messing with me. Can you tell that today is a day 14?

Chapter 15 of The Fat Loss Bible is a “Frequenty Asked Questions” section.

I like the answer to the first question about portions. It’s a question I would easily have asked! The next question discusses the thoughts on low-carb, and how this is not a ketogenic diet. It’s an interesting look and comparison section.

There is discussion on protein and also thirst. The cost involved with some lifestyle changes is addressed as well. There’s also more information about the Paleo approach.

Chapter 16 brings us a section called “All in Your Head” and is a must read.

It talks about motivation. As I’m going through a transformation myself, working out with a trainer and changing my eating patterns and choices, I find that mentally, my entire game is changing. It’s really a cool process I’m going through, and I’m aware of the changes as they are happening. I’ve hit a lot of road blocks in the past when it came to the mental portion of change, and this time, I’m going head-on and reaping the rewards.

Excellent piece here, and well worth reading. Where is your emotional and physical discomfort? It’s no longer a want in my life, it’s a need to see change. What about you?