One of the things I’m trying to do is open my mind to new options. While doing this clean and healthy challenge, I’ve decided to experiment a little bit. Shrimp is a clean option, and I love shrimp salad. The problem is that I can’t have mayo. I decided to find a fun way to make shrimp and try something new.

I got a pan and sprayed it lightly with cooking spray. I cut up the shrimp (about 10), adding one teaspoon of spicy brown mustard, a little onion and garlic powder and cooked it over a low heat. I gently stirred it together, so the shrimp would get coated lightly.

I intended to make a regular half sandwich, but it was just too messy, so I opted for open face. I decided to toss a mini box of raisins on it to add a third food group, and just dumped them on. It doesn’t look pretty, but it didn’t taste too bad. I found a new way to try cooking shrimp, I ate shrimp and raisins together, and I found out that even toast without butter isn’t horrible.

I’m a girl who is pretty set in my ways, so opening my mind to the idea of sampling, tasting, checking, and experimenting with food combinations and ideas is going to help me find new things I enjoy eating together.  I could have grabbed some clean chips with it, but I thought the raisins were a healthier option.

By the way, the green thing in the middle is just the plate showing through from the bottom. It’s a colorful plate with blues, greens, yellows and purples on it!

It did it’s job, I stayed on track and I tried something new. It’s a willingness to step out of my comfort zone that will help me get to the next level.

I went on a grocery store tour with Danielle (my trainer) yesterday. There was a group of 5, and we went through aisle after aisle talking about what’s clean,what’s healthy and what we have to watch out for. It was really informative and lasted close to 2 hours.

I had gone about an hour after a workout, so I was feeling sore, but I muddled through it. One of the things I got out of this tour is that I’m absorbing more than I thought I was. I started dabbling in clean eating last month, and I look at how far I’ve come. I was absolutely terrified of the change, but here I am more than a month later, and I’m doing great. I did learn that one or two things I thought were safe, weren’t. I made assumptions, and that was just wrong. I need to keep my eyes on the ingredients and that’s my priority.

I had a rough emotional afternoon, because I was getting an assessment done for the 12 week challenge I’m in. I had to get pictures taken for the before and after shots, and when I looked at myself, I was ashamed of my body. My body is better than it was 4 months ago, but I also wasn’t focused on it. My mind was distracted by other things. Now that my body is a major focus in my life, I’m very hard on myself. I don’t know how I accepted my body this way for so long. Either way, we talked it out, she helped me work out some feelings I was having, and I’m moving forward.

You have to start somewhere. Here are some things that I appreciate and show me how far I’ve come, regardless of what the scale says.

My hips are now 3 inches smaller, as is my waist.

I’m stronger and healthier.

I have more confidence and I’m proud of myself after a work-out.

I believe in myself, that I can do difficult tasks.

My body chemistry is healthier.

I have more endurance.

I can run upstairs without being winded.

My shoulders are more narrow, and clothes are fitting better.

I’m going to keep going, because I need to reach my goal. I think the hardest thing is realizing that it may take me 2 years to get there, not 1, but you know what…who cares if I lose slowly. If I’m working towards better health, then I’m going in the right direction.

I work out today, so I’m also getting my assessment for the challenge that I’m doing. That means I get my picture taken, measured and weighed. Getting my picture taken, the preference is to be in a sports bra or spandex, so that you’ll be able to see the difference in the after picture better.

Yes, that’s right, all 240 pounds of me, is going to get a picture snapped in a sports bra and shorts. I’ll need to frame that bad boy to give it to my husband for our anniversary. (note the sarcasm)

Luckily, because it’s Danielle and she’s used to seeing me in my full grunt and sweat workout glory, I won’t be totally mortified.  I remember the first time we took pictures back in September. I was so embarrassed, because we were just meeting, and here I was, all big and bloated (yes, even bigger) and I let someone take my picture, frontwards, from the back, and from the side. I’m curious to see the changes so far, but I’m more excited to see what the picture will look like in 12 more weeks.

Look, its’ only going to get better from here. There are days that I feel like nothing is happening. I don’t see it, feel it, or understand my body is changing. Some days I feel great. On the days that I am overwhelmed and feeling stuck, I look back at pictures taken a few months ago, and THAT’s when I realize my body is moving, it’s changing.

My scale numbers barely budged during the last 16 weeks, but my measurements have moved big time. We play games with ourselves, and those pictures will be something to show you the work you’ve put into it. Pictures don’t lie, and for that reason, I’ll bare it all in my sports bra and shorts, and let my stomach hang out. It is what it is, and I’m working to make it better. There’s nothing more real than being honest with yourself.

I’m starting a 12 week challenge with a group of people through my trainer. The goal is t lose the most body fat in that period of time in a healthy, clean and mindful manner. The question we have to ask ourselves is how badly do we want it….how badly do we want to reach our goals?

One of the questions last night that came up was dining out. My lifestyle has me eating out about 2-3 meals a week. It’s something I enjoy, and I decided when I started eating clean last month, that it had to fit into my lifestyle. I needed to make it work for me. At first I felt overwhelmed because I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to be stuck eating a salad every single time I went out. I like variety, and I like my favorite places.

Turns out, I found that the menu was my biggest obstacle. Read that closely, the menu was my biggest obstacle. When presented with so many delicious choices, how do I make myself choose something good? That’s simple, I open my mouth and order something clean or healthy. Once that menu was out of my hands and my food was ordered, it was a cake walk from there. Turns out, it really didn’t matter what I ordered, I still enjoyed it. It’s the head games and mind stuff that gets you when you have all your favorites staring at you from the menu.

Now I order chicken breast, steak, dry baked potatoes. I order salads, I order veggies, and other choices. The words just have to come out of my mouth. I still love dining out, now I am mindful in what I choose when I eat out.

Danielle has asked me to try and cut back on the juice in my water. When I first started this eating clean journey last month, I was almost in tears thinking of giving up my favorite things. You have no idea how much Diet Coke I drank. Seriously, it’s the ONLY liquid I drank and I drank it day and night. I’m not a fan of plain water, though I’m okay with it when I’m working out, so we made a deal. I add cran-grape light juice into my water bottle. I get 4 ounces (measured) to 20 ounces of water. Now she has asked me to try cutting back to 2 ounces. I’ll be honest, I’m scared, what if I can’t get used to it? Does it make me a loser? No, it means I gave it a chance. I’m trying something…there’s nothing written in stone that says, Deb…this is what you must do for the rest of your life. I never thought I could drink water even with a little juice in it. I have to try. I’m going to make the effort, because I want it bad enough to work for it.

When I say “How badly do you want it?” let me ask you something…do you just want it? or are you determined to make it happen?

I’ve been FAT (dreaded word) for close to 20 years. I’ve “wanted” to lose weight for 20 years, and I’ve made efforts along the way. In my brain, sure I wanted to look better, but I wasn’t willing to make the changes that were necessary. I’m finally at the point where I’m determined. Baby, get out of my way if you’re not in it to win it, because I’m willing to work hard, give up some things that I like, learn to like new foods, and make the changes. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, but I’m finally trying it on, and I’m going to make my 40’s better than my 20’s and 30’s, so take that! I turn 41 in June, and I plan to be smaller and healthier. Care to join me?

I wish I could turn the mental head games I play with myself off. I wish there was a light switch, and I could just flip it. Seriously, I’m aware at the moment what I’m doing to myself, but it’s hard to stop. When I look in the mirror in the morning, I am no bigger or smaller a few hours later….yet, my brain plays with me.

I went out to lunch this afternoon, and I noticed I had a little more room in the booth, since I’ve lost a little weight. It made me smile inside, and feel good about myself. This tiny accomplishment lifted me up. Halfway through my meal, I had to use the bathroom. As I’m washing my hands, about to leave the restroom, I look in the mirror and didn’t like who I saw. Oh my gosh, what right do I have to feel good about myself fitting in that booth better when I see myself starting back in the mirror. I’m so much bigger than I want to feel right now. I turn sideways, since nobody is in the bathroom at this point, by me, myself and I, and I pout.

I’ve now gone from a “feel good” mood about the change in the booth, to a “feel down on myself mood” because of a quick look in a mirror. My body didn’t change, my mind did. These head games we play with ourselves grow old. I wish I could turn them off, stop myself, but I get drawn into them instead. My entire mood changed. I was somber and feeling unattractive when I walked out of the bathroom. Just moments earlier, I walked head held high into that bathroom, yet walking out, my head was down, because of my image.

I am more than a number on the scale. I know that, but how do strangers, when they see me walk by, all this extra weight. I was embarrassed walking back, because I feared they saw what I saw, a girl who has let herself go. A girl who needs to lose more weight, and had no right feeling good about fitting into that booth.

I hate these head games. I focus on my mascara, or on my shoes, maybe I’ll focus on my purse. If I have something, anything that I like about myself at that moment, it will distract me enough to stop looking at this pathetic feeling inside.

I feel like a loser, and I don’t want to feel like that. I just want to cry. Isn’t it funny how just a little while earlier, I smiled and felt great about myself….where did it go? Can you get it back for me? I’ll be okay, I always am, but I guess this time, my head wins this round.

Technorati Tags: headgames, head games, lose weight, fat loss, diet

I picked up a t-shirt and sweatshirt from CafePress for the gym. The sweatshirt fits me well, but the t-shirt is a little snug. I can put it on, and it hugs my chest nicely, but it also hugs my stupid stomach below it! It’s not pretty! Anyway, this is one of my goals right now, to be able to wear this shirt by the end of February comfortably. I should mention there’s a coat I’m “almost” in too. It fits me well around my shoulders now, but it’s still tight zipping it. By the end of February, I’ll be wearing these. I really want to. I want to see the progress. What do you try to fit into?

I have some jeans I saved over the years, and they are my ultimate goal, but I’m still working on smaller goals.

I hate my stomach. It’s so big, and it seems to be the last piece of me to want to respond. My legs and hips are responding, along with my shoulders. My stomach….it’s just there. It will go eventually, I just hate the waiting process. I’m not giving up though, I’ve been working so hard.

I’m about to start a challenge on Sunday, so I’m ready to kick it up a notch.

Here’s the sweatshirt if you wanted to check out other stuff. You can click on the pictures and it will take you over to the store to buy apparel, etc.

Here’s an update to show you how it’s going. I’ll add more pictures as I progress…

I stood in front of the mirror last night, afraid to turn out the light. I saw something, and I was afraid I wouldn’t see it again. I saw the outline of my face, and it looked different. My face was thinner, and I started to see what it may look like when I lose all this weight.

I was transfixed, and I couldn’t move. I haven’t seen my face quite like this before. I was scared that if I walked away or turned out the light I wouldn’t ever get to see it again. It was nice, and it was pretty. I saw my face, and liked what I saw. I turned to the side, because my profile still shows my fatter face, and saw my old face looking back at me. I slowly turned to the front, and there was my new thinner face peeking back at me.

Was it real, is it in my head? Our minds can play tricks on us. I just know that I hadn’t seen my face look like that before. I can see that as I lose weight, it will take years off my face. I will look younger, without a face lift. I do worry about how many true wrinkles I have. When you have a fat face, it fills out those wrinkles! It’s okay, I’ll take a thinner face with a few wrinkles, because I’ll know it’s attached to a healthier body.

I’m scared I won’t see it again. I will, I’m sure it will greet me again, but it’s hard to imagine. My face has been bloated and overweight for so long now. It’s a wild ride I’m on, and I’m loving the changes.

I did something tonight that felt like a major accomplishment to me. It was just a tiny thing to other people, but to me, it was a mountain that I climbed. We went to see a movie, then went out to dinner afterwards. I was looking at the menu, and realized I got to have a cheat meal! Woohoo!

I ordered my favorite sandwich at the place we went to, and when the meal came, I didn’t finish it. Let me repeat that, I didn’t finish it. Hold the applause, please. I’m a member of the “clean your plate” club, and I’ve been working on learning to leave food behind. Only, in this circumstance it was my cheat meal. I could have had it all if I wanted. I realized I was satisfied, and I didn’t need to have it all, just because it was there. I could enjoy my cheat meal, and still leave food on my plate. It was by choice, even though I could have eaten it all, and felt stuff afterwards, I decided I felt satisfied, and that was enough.

Big step for me, and I’m feeling pretty good about that!

I’m ready to come clean, hop out of the closet, and finally say and do a few things. Let me explain why it’s been so hard for me to do first. If you’ve never been 100 pounds overweight, you can’t imagine what it feels like on the inside. I used to love to be the center of attention in life, and now all I want to do is blend in. I don’t want you to notice me, I want to be invisible. I’m embarrassed you see, ashamed that my body looks this way. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting home crying over it, I’m still living my life, and a happy one at that.

It’s just that this piece of me could be happier and healthier. I’ve been working very hard to make changes this year. First I decided to start going to my trainer Danielle, who you all know I adore. She’s been a true gift to me. You have no idea…because I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not. I can let it all hang out, and she’s okay with that. In fact, she’s helping me get my body back to where it should be. I told her I’m in it for the long haul, and I mean it. I’ve been working with Danielle at Metamorphosis Studio for 4 months now. I’m committed to go for an entire year. That’s right, I’ll be going at least until September of 2008. If I don’t reach my goal by that point, I’ll keep going.

Danielle makes me feel like I’m part of a team. She’s special like that. She not only lives this healthy lifestyle, but her personality shines. She makes it fun for me to show up, and I know I’ll work hard. When I think I can’t do anymore, she’ll push me and get those last few reps out of me.

This next phase has me eating clean. I started out in a panic, eating clean for 3 days on, 1 day off. I’m up to about 5 days clean now, 2 off. My goal is to only have 2 cheat meals a week. No more…and maybe down to one. I’m taking it slowly, but I’m really feeling it. I want to make a difference, and I’m ready to.

I feel like I’m really heading in the right direction. With my trainer’s guidance, and my husband’s support, I really am believing in myself again, and I’m ready to stop hiding. I’m standing here loud and proud saying, “Here I am”!