I’m raising the bar…on myself. I’ve upped the ante, and I’m now signed up to work out 3x a week, in place of my regular 2x. I’ve been going to Danielle (my personal trainer) since September on a steady routine of twice a week since September. I’ve decided that through spring, I’m going to push myself just a little harder.

I’m in a modified challenge with a group, and I’m finding my biggest struggle is exercising at home. I’ve all ready paid the “kitty” (cheater’s pot) twice for lack of exercise. I’m actually spot on, in the zone with my eating, but I’d started doing clean eating about 3-4 weeks before the challenge started, so I had worked through most of my hurdles when it started. Exercise is another thing….making myself get on my treadmill, do a video or use my resistance bands at home…well, it’s not that I don’t do it, but I don’t push myself enough.

Adding a third day a week sounded like a good idea, but last night after recovering from my day’s workout, I wondered how my body would feel! I’ll be a “good” sore for a few weeks until I adjust to adding a day. We did one legged “leg presses” last night, and geez did I feel that creep in as the night wore on.

Either way, it’s now or never baby…and I’m in a good way. I think it’s what I need to do right now; I’ve never wanted it more. I lose very slowly, but I’m finally becoming okay with that. My biggest issue is my stomach, and I guess because I’m focused on it now, it bothers me more.

I’m fitting in clothes differently, but I’m not one of those girls who consistently loses 10 pounds a month, and I’m not one of those girls getting rid of loose fitting clothing. Of course, I am one of those girls who stretched out all her size 22 clothing, so I didn’t have to face my reality that I was more like a 24-26.

I feel like this is a positive thing for me, and then come summer, because my schedule changes, I’ll go back to 2x a week. Wish me luck on my change, and that I can hang in there!

How are you feeling this week? What are your biggest challenges? Leave me a comment and let me know!

I’m having issues with one food in particular. I’m not eating more than I should, but I think about them, and put too much importance on this food. It’s clean, but it’s not a healthy obsession I have. I tell myself I won’t buy it again…but standing in the aisle, I give my husband a glance “Don’t say a thing to me…” and put it in my cart. I told him not to let me buy them again, but when he went to say something, I said…”Don’t”….and we bought it.

I have conquered so much when it comes to food, but this one food talks to me…ya know? It calls to me, and says, I’m special. I need to just get over it and stop buying it. I’m working so hard to have a healthy relationship with food…and I’ve come so far. I’m the one with the brain, not the food..it’s time for me to take control.

Otherwise, I had my cheat meal this weekend, and I feel great. I had it, enjoyed it, but I’m just as happy to go back to my regular routine. Routine is safe for me, and it helps me stay on track. I’m sure I’ll enjoy my cheat next week, but honestly, I’m just as happy with the daily choices I’m making.

I saw someone today that I haven’t seen in about 6 weeks. I walked in, and she said, “You look great.”

Really? Do I look different? I can’t see it, because I see myself day to day, but it’s been a bigger gap of time for her. She was sincere, but of course in my head, I start to think, maybe she’s just being nice, since she knows I’m working out…why do I do that? Why do I discount words when it comes to my body?

I realized today my confidence has taken some heavy blows over the years, and I’m just starting to get it back. There’s a web design job that is right up my alley, and I can’t make myself contact the person. What if I can’t do it, or it doesn’t look good? Trust me, their outdated site that looks like a kid’s site couldn’t get much worse, but I still hold back. I’d rather not get the job than hear rejection. I have samples of my work, so they’d see what I’ve done so far.

I’ll bend over backwards to be an over achiever in my world, but I’m so afraid to trust I can carry that same thing to someone else. What if I let them down? On the other hand, if the pay isn’t worth my time, would I turn it down, or just be grateful to have the job? I discount my own value at times, and I’m teetering between the idea of contacting them, and then reeling at the thought.

I’m not looking for my life to change drastically when I lose weight. I live a very busy, full and happy life, but I would like to revisit with my confidence. I’ve missed it these last few years.

I work from home. I’m a freelance writer and I do website design. What that means is I spend a lot of my day sitting at my desk. One of my biggest challenges has been to eat at the kitchen table, rather than my desk. It’s so easy to make something and bring it back to where I’m working.

I started challenging myself to eat at the table back in September, and still here I am in February, catching myself bringing food to my desk at times, not even thinking about it. Sometimes I’m aware what I’m doing, other times, I’m so engrossed in my project, I just grab something and come back to what I’m doing.

That’s not being mindful, if I just eat and keep working. I’m supposed to stop, and think about the food that I’m eating, not work on a design or write an article.

In the case of a smoothie, it goes down like a drink, and I keep my water at my desk, but I have to remember it’s a meal. I tell myself that I’ll sit at the table next time, and sometimes I just don’t. I don’t want to be distracted from a thought process. The problem is, I’m not recognizing I’m eating when I go to my desk. It’s a daily struggle with me, and I’m winning this battle more times than not these days, though I can’t say I’ve conquered this. I truly haven’t.

What patterns are you having a difficult time with?

Are you taking part in this current mini challenge going on? We’ve been going at it since late January, and are going until April 6th I believe. My eating is going pretty well, and today I get a cheat meal. I had to shift it from Saturday to Sunday due to changes in family plans. It’s okay, I held out, because I wanted something good. I’ll be enjoying it at lunch today.

I find that getting to the gym is the best move. When I rely on myself to get on the treadmill at home or do some work with resistance bands, I’m not as motivated. That’s the biggest hurdle for me. Once I get to the studio, Danielle gets me motivated and moving. I have to get on the treadmill first thing, or I put it off all day.
I’d love to hear how you’re doing and what your biggest challenge has been.

Here’s my most recent picture:

Yesterday, I seriously felt like crap. It’s my time of the month, my back hurt from shoveling my driveway twice, and I was just not a happy camper. My appointment wasn’t until later in the day, and about two hours before it, I decided I may cancel. I knew I’d be losing out not going, but the Advil wasn’t kicking in, I felt miserable, and exercising was the last thing on my mind.

….but I went anyway.

I sat there, and said to myself, you’ve made excuses your entire life. Now you’re 40 and fat. Excuses is how you got here. It’s one hour of your life, so get over there and workout, and what’s the worst thing to happen, I’ll feel a little worse for the wear?

Here’s the cool twist to the story, I ended up feeling better after I worked out. Go figure!

I just wanted to share this with you. It’s so easy to make an excuse. What’s hard is getting up and doing what you should be doing. So I did it, and in those moments, I’m proud of myself. I’ve spent 20 years having reasons WHY I couldn’t do something, and now I’m done with the excuses. It’s changed my entire attitude about what I can and can’t do. So if you’re making excuses, how many more years do you want to make excuses for? I wasted 20 years of my life making them, but I’m done with that. I go and get the workout that I need in, and my body says thank you, each and every time.

I stopped in the restroom at Target the other day, and when I washed my hands and looked up, I was surprised by how thin my face looked at that moment. I almost didn’t recognize myself. Not a few moments later, as I walked back out, I passed a mirror, and saw my profile, sending me into spasms of emotional pain by my side view. I’m still so fat. Just moments ago, I noticed my face was thinner.

Today at Kohl’s, I found a pair of sneakers that actually fit without a problem. That’s a reason to cheer in itself. I wear a 10 wide, and even then, it can be hard to find comfortable sneakers. I was frustrated, when I figured I’d try another pair, even though they weren’t a wide, and they fit. To my delight, I got a great deal, and I didn’t have to go to 5 more stores to find a pair to fit right. Man, that felt good, until I walked by a mirror, and once again realized tiny changes aren’t enough.

Each step I take emotionally, I take two steps back. I have a lot of garbage in my head to sort through, and I guess every time I cheer myself on, I don’t want to enjoy it long enough. I shoot myself in the foot with a criticism. I need to stop the negative talk. No matter where I’m at, it’s okay. I’m working towards a healthier goal, and everything I’m doing is positive.

I had my cheat meal yesterday for lunch. I wasn’t even sure what I was in the mood for, but I ended up getting a club at a little local tavern. It was great, but I couldn’t finish it, and I was happy about that. The funny thing about the cheat meal is that I thought about what I wanted all week. By the time it got here, I really still hadn’t come to a decision. I said to myself, “Geez, I like everything I’m eating now anyway. it’s not like it’s that big of a deal”….until I had the mayo on the sandwich! HA! It was GOOD. Oh well, there’s always next Saturday for another cheat meal. Until then, I’m standing strong and staying cheat free.

This topic came up in conversation today, and I thought I’d share it with you while it’s still on my mind. If you’re a new reader, you may know I’m taking part in a challenge through my trainer and with a group of women. I’m doing pretty well, but if you’re wondering how I got to the trainer in the first place, let me fill you in.

I’m 100 pounds overweight.

That deserves it’s own bold statement. It’s true. It’s not something that doesn’t touch me mentally, it’s on my mind a lot. How did I get here? I got here the same way most people do. I didn’t eat good foods, I got lazy, made bad choices, sat on my behind one too many days. Now, take in mind, it’s taken me almost 20 years to reach this point. I’ve been some form of overweight for a damn long time. When I had kids, my thyroid up and quit on me, and that made my metabolism sluggish. I gained weight easily, but I really made no solid effort through the years.

I jumped on and off of fad diets, walked for a while and stopped. I ate smaller meals, I ate protein meals, I ran, I did things, but not consistently for a long period of time. A diet to me was about 3 months, in which time I’d lose 1-20 pounds and then get frustrated when things stopped. Instead of sticking in, I would quit, regain the weight and hate myself for the process.

About 5 years ago, I started thinking about Gastric Bypass. I finally pulled my courage together and decided to go for it. Little did I know, I wouldn’t be approved. That’s okay, I’ll save my money and get it done I thought. Whoops, it wasn’t the money part, I had malabsorption issues, and they couldn’t operate on me. They were concerned I wouldn’t absorb enough of the vital things I needed afterward. That was last January when the process started. After a battery of tests, and finally being told no, I was hitting the wall.
I realized there was no other option. I either had to fix it myself, or just get bigger. Getting bigger is not an option. My self-esteem had all ready spiraled, and I just couldn’t fathom the thought of gaining more weight. My husband all ready is tolerant of my weight, but what if there’s a turning point where even he isn’t anymore?

I started to get depressed, because I just didn’t know what to do. Sure I could join a gym, but who would get me there if I didn’t feel like it? Who was going to make me accountable, keep me going when I couldn’t, and help me break bad eating habits.

I had thought of a trainer, but worried about the cost. I finally decided I couldn’t afford NOT to get help. I all ready had been tagged with Diabetes, and I knew my health was taking a beating being this big. My immune system seemed shot, and I just didn’t feel good on a daily basis.

It was time. It was my time. I turned 40 last June, and I slowly started thinking about “what I could do”.

It took me until September to finally go in and meet with Danielle, my trainer.

It’s been 4 1/2 months, and there’s no looking back. I feel healthy, strong, happy and I’m on my way to a better body, mind and spirit taking care of myself.

I’m eating clean, I’m working out, and I’m proud of myself.

So how did I get here? I waited until all the other easy fixes crapped out on me. Nothing did it, because there is no easy answer. It’s hard work. I’m making changes, and I’m establishing these as life long changes.

If I don’t feel like going to the gym, I know Danielle is waiting for me. I know she’ll push me, when I don’t want to push myself. I know I have to work hard, because it’s not going to just fall off by itself.

Adding in the clean eating has not only made me feel better, and have a healthier body. It’s made me see, I’m not lactose intolerant, it was crap I was eating. I went from having irritable bowel problems, to being normal. No seriously, 20 years of this was cleared up in less than a week. I gave up the chemicals and preservatives, and my insides are no longer churning, the bathroom issue is resolved, and I drink fat-free milk regularly in my smoothies without a single problem. Go figure, maybe that crap in your food is effecting you more than YOU thought!

That’s right, I had my cheat meal this afternoon. It was wonderful, I anticipated it, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Now I’m back to clean eating for another week. The idea of only having one cheat meal before seemed overwhelming, seriously, it’s only a meal, not a full day.

Then I started to look at it differently. I can have anything I want. That’s right, and I can think about it, and pick and choose, and all week, if I’m itching to cheat, I know I only have to wait a few more meals, and I’ll make it something I’ll really enjoy.

I had baby back ribs with fries for lunch. It was excellent, but now it’s done. Clean eating is in my sights until next week, when I’ll choose something different. It doesn’t matter if it’s Cold Stone Creamery, or if I want Veal Parmesan, it’s whatever I choose. The point being, that in between this Saturday and next Saturday, I will be eating only clean and healthy foods.

I’m wrapping up the first week of the challenge, while it “officially” started Thursday, I started to be in the zone a few days before. I’m ready to keep going, and I’m ready to lose this weight. I’m ready to drop body fat, and I’m going to work out extra this week, as I said I would. I’m going to stay on track, not only with clean foods, but with proper portions.

If you’re doing the challenge, how are you doing this week? What has been hard or easy for you, and are you meeting your personal goals?

Man, I hate the endurance stuff when I’m training! It wears me out. I woke up this morning only to be reminded my trainer kicked my arse yesterday! It’s all good, because I need to work hard. Don’t like those pulsing leg presses though, HELLO!

The cardio session on the board was intense, and I was huffing and puffing away hanging in the best I was able. I came home and had to do about 3 loads of laundry. Every time I went up and down those stairs (laundry in the basement), I was feeling it big time in my knees and hips. Damn, maybe I’m just old!

At one point while I was doing some work with weights, she smiled at me all happy and sing-songy, and I smiled back and said, “I don’t like you right now. I’ll like you again in about 5 minutes.” She smiled in her sweet, usual self and said, “That’s fine.” How can you not like this girl? She’s adorable.

Anyway, I survived, and I always feel good after working out. Well, let me correct that. I feel like crap, drained, tired, and realizing I’ve let me body go. After all of that stuff passes, I feel good, strong and proud! ha

She helps me get and stay motivated. She gets me to work harder than I would by myself. I know my goal is out there, it’s just going to take me awhile to reach it. It’s okay, I have a good person on my side helping me one step at a time. Thanks D.