I wrote a long post yesterday, and when I went to publish it, the computer ate it…whooosh, it was gone. I hate that. I didn’t have it in me to write another one at that moment. I was lost in a feeling, and I hope I can relay that feeling with the same intensity that I felt yesterday.

I thought I’d be thinner this summer. Seriously, I though a year would be enough time to get me to my goal. I’m 6 months in, and thought I’d be hitting my first big goal by my birthday in June. I don’t see it happening. I do see my body being healthier, but I’ve had to accept it’s going to take time to get this weight off.

I knew that if I pushed myself for ONE year, very hard, I’d be a new person. I’m half way to that time goal, but I have so far to go in changing my body. It’s reshaping, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that I’ve been a little overwhelmed at the idea that it may take 2 years to get me where I want to be, not one. That’s heavy…and sometimes it plays with my motivation.

I’m going to stick in, because there’s no looking back. I just wanted to like my body more by this point. I will be comfortable seeing myself in the mirror at some point. I won’t hate my stomach forever. My body is shifting and changing slowly, but these are permanent changes, not some quick fix. It took 20 years of misuse to be here, and I want to be done in 1 year? Wow, maybe that’s a reality check. I guess 2 years doesn’t sound so bad right now, it’s just tiring sometimes to think of the amount of time. How did I ignore it for 20 years? How did I just keep going?

Now I want it so badly, it hurts that I can’t reach it yet. One step at a time Deb..one step at a time.

…just saying.

I was flipping through the latest issue of Allure, and they are following three people. They’ve all lost 20-30 pounds in 3 months, and here I am slowly inching my way along 6 months later with a different loss. I lose so pathetically slow sometimes, it’s scary to me. Why, oh why is this so hard for my body?

I’m building muscle…yeah. I’m losing fat….yeah.

My stomach just sits there. My sister swears it’s smaller, but I don’t see it and neither does the tape measure. ON the other hand, it’s true my shorts and pants are fitting different. I’m losing lower belly, just not upper and middle belly. Maybe it’s changing, but I’m having a pitty party today about the way it looks.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to obsess and find different answers, I’m just scowling at myself when I look in the mirror. It’s so much easier to not care, and just not look in the mirror, but I need to face my reality.

Sometimes the future looks bright, other times it seems like a never ending tunnel. Will it ever go away? What else do I need to do? I’m working hard, I’m eating right, and still my body wants to hold onto this weight…it.is.SO.FRUSTRATING.

Okay, pitty party is over….back to life. I’m smiling again. I just needed to get that out.

There are days I get resentful that I can’t have certain foods. I want easy, I want yummy, and I want it now. I’m like a toddler kicking going, “Why can’t I have it? It’s not fair!”

The answer is, I can have it. I can have whatever I want. Choosing those foods that I want are what got me here. Now I’m choosing my health over those foods. I still get resentful some days though.

I was so tired tonight. It was my third big workout this week, and I wanted an easy dinner. I’m exhausted, and worn down. I know that making egg whites is easy, but easy to me is my brain really saying…greasy, sweet, or I don’t know McDonalds, ya know? Why? Old habits…old patterns.

I chose the egg whites, don’t worry. Now I realize it’s head games I have to beat, not the actual food.

I have hoarding and obsessive issues with food. During the last few months, while I’ve been eating clean, it’s made life easier. Food has been a battle for me for more than 20 years. I’ve inched my way into a healthier way year after year. I’ve taken baby steps, but nothing has helped me more than by choosing clean eating.

I find most of my obsessive habits are slowly fading away. They are extending beyond food as well, because once you learn to break a bad habit, you can really evaluate things more clearly.

It’s nice not to be consumed in thoughts of food. I still have a small issue with one food in particular, but I’ve been tackling it head on. My first thought was to rid myself of the food completely, but then I realized the food wins. Instead, I’m working on portion control, and looking at the difference between mind hunger and body hunger. I may eventually win this too. I’m doing better than I ever thought I would. It’s refreshing to see food in an entirely new way.

I can’t promise I’ll be this way forever, but what I can tell you is I’ve taken 10 steps forward in this path and only one or two steps back, so I’m still 8 paces ahead in this area of my life.

I feel like something clicked.  Maybe it was seeing all that butter together…

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and while I know things are changing, I just can’t see it. I only see my faults. Lately, I’m noticing good things though. I noticed my shoulders are more narrow, almost like a “normal person”. Ahhh, very telling, there…did you catch that? I must not be normal, if I’m this big. I’m finally feeling more “normal”.

When you feel like an outcast, everything is exaggerated. Nobody has outcast me, I’ve only done it to myself. In my brain, I separated myself based on my size. Funny, because I don’t do that to my friends or even strangers, only to myself.

…on a bright note, I think my obsession has gone. I’m not sure what happened, but something just clicked. I’m working hard, I’m eating well, and that’s all I can ask of myself right now. I’m doing well…and I finally believe it.

After 6 months of obsession, it’s gone. I woke up and poof, it just wasn’t there anymore. Imagine all that energy I put into it before…wasted time. I couldn’t focus on much besides that, but now it’s gone, and I can breathe again.

I feel good, and it’s a blessing. I’m not embarrassed, not ashamed…I’m just, well….I’m okay with me.

I get stuck on numbers sometimes, and I’m a total scale whore. Seriously, I want that thing to MOVE. I’ve had an interesting thing happen during these last few months of working out….the scale barely budges, but my body keeps changing.

I’m a visual person, so I wanted to share something really cool with you. I’ve only lost about 3 pounds, but I’ve gained 14 pound of muscle, and lost 17 pounds of body fat. Pretty cool for a scale not moving. I wanted to let you know that the number on the scale is lying to you. It’s not telling you the full story. Would you believe a girl who’s maybe lost about 3 pounds has lost more than 25 inches off her body? Exactly, hard to believe, but it’s true.

Due to the fact that I’m trying to break my obsession, I thought seeing my progress would be a fabulous visual. I wanted to go to the grocery store and get 17 pounds of butter and snap a picture. The truth is, I chickened out, and was embarrassed. When my friend Alli heard this, she did it for me….all the way in Tennessee, then sent me the results! How cool was that? This is what 17 pounds of butter look like.

All this work is paying off. Seeing this picture really helps me put it in perspective. That scale isn’t budging, but my body sure is! Danielle (my trainer) has helped me melt off 17 pounds of pure body fat, while building important muscle!

I find my toughest challenge is to make myself get moving when it comes to exercise at home. I begrudgingly do it, but I know that when I get to the studio and work out with Danielle, I’ll get a better workout in. As for food, I’m actually pretty solid, though I’ve hit a little bit of boredom, and need to mix some new food choices together. It doesn’t matter, I’m standing strong on eating clean, as I feel so much better when I stick with it.

Here we are, moving ahead to March, and about 5 weeks are behind us now. With 5 weeks in front of us, do you think you’ll meet your personal goals?

I’ve had to cough up $10 for the kitty, due to my exercise slips. Not a pretty reality, but not too bad considering.

I’m sitting here drinking my water, and doing okay. I go through a lot of ups and downs with emotions  on this roller coaster of a losing weight ride. I’m handling those downs a little better though, and am able to see the big picture a little more clearly.

I’d love to hear from you, so if you’re reading this, be sure to leave a comment and let me know how things are going for you. See the little tan box below this? Click on the phrase “Leave a comment” and it will open a new place for you to write. Hope to hear from you!