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These Damn Head Games I Play With Myself
Posted by Deb, Diet, Weight Loss and Fat Fighting Blogger! | Posted in Discovery, Fried Wiki | Posted on 27-01-2008
I wish I could turn the mental head games I play with myself off. I wish there was a light switch, and I could just flip it. Seriously, I’m aware at the moment what I’m doing to myself, but it’s hard to stop. When I look in the mirror in the morning, I am no bigger or smaller a few hours later….yet, my brain plays with me.
I went out to lunch this afternoon, and I noticed I had a little more room in the booth, since I’ve lost a little weight. It made me smile inside, and feel good about myself. This tiny accomplishment lifted me up. Halfway through my meal, I had to use the bathroom. As I’m washing my hands, about to leave the restroom, I look in the mirror and didn’t like who I saw. Oh my gosh, what right do I have to feel good about myself fitting in that booth better when I see myself starting back in the mirror. I’m so much bigger than I want to feel right now. I turn sideways, since nobody is in the bathroom at this point, by me, myself and I, and I pout.
I’ve now gone from a “feel good” mood about the change in the booth, to a “feel down on myself mood” because of a quick look in a mirror. My body didn’t change, my mind did. These head games we play with ourselves grow old. I wish I could turn them off, stop myself, but I get drawn into them instead. My entire mood changed. I was somber and feeling unattractive when I walked out of the bathroom. Just moments earlier, I walked head held high into that bathroom, yet walking out, my head was down, because of my image.
I am more than a number on the scale. I know that, but how do strangers, when they see me walk by, all this extra weight. I was embarrassed walking back, because I feared they saw what I saw, a girl who has let herself go. A girl who needs to lose more weight, and had no right feeling good about fitting into that booth.
I hate these head games. I focus on my mascara, or on my shoes, maybe I’ll focus on my purse. If I have something, anything that I like about myself at that moment, it will distract me enough to stop looking at this pathetic feeling inside.
I feel like a loser, and I don’t want to feel like that. I just want to cry. Isn’t it funny how just a little while earlier, I smiled and felt great about myself….where did it go? Can you get it back for me? I’ll be okay, I always am, but I guess this time, my head wins this round.
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{{{hugs}}} I hear you! I do the same thing after eating something that is high in calories or points! While I didn’t feel “fat” beforehand, I feel like I am putting on the pounds as I digest it! There is no reason to beat ourselves up the way we do. We deserve to celebrate life’s accomplishments. Taking pride in those things that motivate us to keep doing the right things. It’s good that you recognize it and are taking steps to change that.