Compulsion Taunts Me

All addiction involves the compulsive pursuit of a mood change by engaging repeatedly in a process despite adverse consequences. (Kay Sheppard)

I wanted to stop somewhere the other day to get something…something I wanted…a lot. My husband jokingly acted like he was about to pass the turn that held my momentary salvation. My heart started racing, and I started to panic…no, don’t pass. He didn’t, but boy did my own reaction bother me.

Catching myself, did I stop myself from getting my salvation. Nope, I said…this time, but next time I’ll pass by. I’m good at lying to myself. I do it all the time. I make bargains- I’ll get rid of this and this, but I get to keep that.

Sucks. I’m a grown-up…time to grow-up and deal with this. I am stronger than this..

I’m ready. I know that my desires, wants, and urgencies go out the door when I eat clean. I know I’ll be okay, and this crazy thoughts don’t consume me when I’m clean. Give me 3-4 days, and all those feelings melt away and don’t eat at me. They don’t haunt me, and they don’t sit in my head, and my body feels fine. Get through less than 1 week, and you’re on your way.