With my caveman mentality, I believed a potato was just a potato.

“How big is your potato?” Danielle asked.

I laughed, it’s a potato…don’t they just come in one size. One potato is a serving size, and I’m having one potato. It’s not a special potato, it’s not a magic potato, it’s just a damn potato.

Guess what? A potato is NOT just a potato.

The red small potato on the left (this particular one) is 4 ounces. I get 3 ounces. The one on the right? In tiny print, where you get to squint to read it (yeah, I’m in my 40’s, maybe you younger kids don’t have to squint) it says 8 ounces. Guess what? I weighed it…it was ACTUALLY 12 ounces!!!!! OH MY GOSH, I’ve been having 4 servings of potatoes with that ONE potato. No fair!

I only had one potato, one serving, like I’d been told to.

Buying a scale and seeing for myself just how off I was has been eye opening. Guess who is back to trying again and this time weighing and measuring EVERYTHING? Yup, that would be me….the girl who almost gave up.

This is what lunch looks like this week. I was struggling with getting back on track when I returned home from vacation. Danielle sat down with me and helped me figure out what to eat this week to get me back on track.

One of the things I’m seeing is that eye-balling and guessing what 3 ounces is, and weighing it…well, WOW! I’ll show you a comparison shortly of what was happening.

While we may hear that a piece of chicken will be about the size of your palm, thickness isn’t accounted for. So in your brain, I was saying, well this is “ABOUT” the right size. Guess what? I was wrong! My portions were too large. I need to actually weigh and measure my foods.

Approximating was leaving me eating too much, and my portion sizes weren’t spot on. Some were better than others, but what a difference a scale makes.

…not in a bad obsessive way though. That’s a good thing! I’m actually coming to a point where I have to make a decision.

I need to decide where to go from here. Where is here? Well, I’ve been working out, I’ve tried different ways of eating, and still here I sit at the same weight, and my blood work results are not changing.

The last two weeks I’ve been thinking about clean eating, low carb, low fat and every other things I’ve done along the way. I decided if none of them are helping me with the weight loss battle, maybe I need to look at the next thing.

I asked myself…If this is the weight I’m at for the rest of my life, and I knew what I ate was never going to have any effect on my weight, how would I eat?

The answer to that, was looking at the next piece of the puzzle. I guess I’d focus on my diabetes and trying to eat better with that in mind. I think on that count, I’d limit my carb intake some. I’m not sure if this is an answer to anything in particular, but I think I’ll be NOT OBSESSIVELY watching my carbs and the GI index with foods.  Every time I think I’ve made a decision, I change it again.

Do I really want to keep adding chemicals to my body that aren’t naturally found in food. I’ll take some elements I learned about clean eating, and drop my carb count…but you know what? I’m not going to obsess over any of it. I’m going to try to NOT think about food, but think about portions, and which option is the healthiest choice at each meal without feeling like it’s a struggle.

It sounds nice in my head, but who knows for sure what that means on the day to day. Will I be able to do this, will I flip-flop back and forth with stuff? I just know that after 1 year of working hard, and still looking quite similar in the mirror, I’m ready to STOP thinking about food so much.

I went back to the gym this week twice. After working out and getting my eating back on track after vacation, everything felt right. Okay, I’m ready to go, I am back out of vacation mode, and I actually felt pretty good working out. Sure, I’m a little sore, but I felt refreshed. It was all good…

…I got my bloodwork results in the mail on Saturday. The stopped me dead in my tracks…my numbers continue to climb and go up, not down. I compared my A1C results, along with my cholesterol and other stuff, and everything is creeping higher. What the hell is wrong with my body? Why won’t my body respond to diet and exercise like everyone else?

I.WANT.TO.QUIT….but I won’t. Not yet…it’s not time. It may be time somewhere later, but not today. The things that I’m doing are right. I know that, they are healthy choices…but I don’t understand what is blocking my way. I just don’t get it…and it frustrates me so much.

That’s what I feel like saying a lot this week. I’m struggling to stay in my right mind. I’ve been doing so well for so long with what I eat, and I’m hitting a wall since the results are so slow to come. My brain says, I want a break. I want to just not care, not think about every single thing I put into my mouth.

Mostly, it has become a habit to eat well now, and I do automatically make good choices. It’s just, well…old habits want to creep back in. My brain is shouting, “No FAIR!”

Sadly, my “I want it” brain is wrong at this time, and my common sense has to step in.

I hate when I get in these moments…I’m frustrated, overwhelmed and depressed about eating, losing weight and so forth. It’s been a long road, but my walk isn’t over yet. I’ve still got a very long way to go. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other right now, and look at today, maybe tomorrow….after that, it’s all too far away.

When I used to order a salad, it was a chef’s salad or something laden with fat. I’d choose cheese and meats, and load on Thousand Island dressing. It was never “healthy”, even though in my brain, I felt good because I had a salad for lunch. Of course, my salad crammed more calories in it than a Big Mac.

These days, my salads look a little differently.

I made a salad last night, and it really caught me how much my eating style has changed. In my last night’s salad, I had:

Iceberg, Romaine, Baby Arugala, Baby Spinach lettuces

Carrots

Apple

Red Onion

Egg Whites

…and only used Balsamic Vinegar.

I had a great mini-vaca to Florida. I got home last night, and this morning jumped right back into clean eating and keeping track of everything.

I did some good things, and some not so good things on vacation. I chose fruit for a snack on two occasions, but I chose peanut butter cookies twice also.  I chose turkey, took a grilled chicken sandwich off of the roll, and had an egg white omelet, but I also chose to eat a few chips with one sandwich, and chose to add mayonnaise to another sandwich.

I also knew coming home that for 2 weeks, I’ll be keeping track of every ounce of food I eat, measuring, checking, double checking and keeping track of calories to a tee, while we work on figuring something out.

I let go a little more than I should have, but on the other hand, I was surprised when I’d catch myself, and make a good choice again. I was more lax than I should have been, but then I also made some redeeming choices without much thought.

Either way, I’m home now, and back on track. Thursday through Sunday showed me just how easy it would be to get back into the habit of bad patterns I once had on a daily basis.

I’m on my way to Florida this week. I’m taking a mini spring fling with my sister and we’re going down to the Sunshine State for some relaxation, sun and fun.

I’ll have four days of having to choose my food at restaurants, take out, or at the pool deli. It’s a challenge, but I think I’m up for it. I know what healthy choices are, and it’s up to me to take what I’ve learned and use it in any circumstance.

Just because I’m away, doesn’t mean I have to let my intentions slide.

My goal is to have fruit for snacks, make healthy choices and to eat clean whenever the option presents itself.  I’ll let you know how I did when I return.

I lost 1 1/2 inches in my arms. I gained close to 2 pounds, and nothing else. (probably muscle gain)…I started to cry a little today….it overwhelmed me…I’m working so hard, seriously, I’m freaking dripping with sweat when I leave…I’m working hard….I’m eating clean…i go to the trainer 3x a week now…

She’s as baffled as I am…and going to talk to another dietician to see if they can try to crack my code. I had told her I have a VERY HARD time losing when I walked in months ago.

It didn’t SURPRISE me, but it hurt that I didn’t see better numbers. (emotionally)

I have to remember that yes my body is changing, just not at the rate I’d like.

Honestly, I’m just tired of being fat, and I want to look better so badly, I can taste it..ya know….

Don’t worry, I won’t give up…but I felt a little deflated and frustrated….I’ve been so good, worked so hard…

My body has struggled for years, anytime i’ve done things…and I have to accept I’m undoing 20 years of abusing my body. The mental hurdles and barriers I’ve broken are worth it at this point.

I’ll be okay. Was down, but talked to my husbandl, and he confirmed what I all ready know…I’m working super hard, eating clean, and my body is changing….just a little at a time.

No exciting news.

My workouts will continue, I’ll continue eating clean…because I FEEL GOOD, STRONG and HEALTHY.

I get my assessment done on Thursday. How far have I come in the last 12 weeks during this challenge? I’m nervous…what if I’m disappointed in my results? Will it be another stumbling block for me? I’m trying to mentally prepare myself, so I don’t get into a funk, if the numbers don’t match what I would like.

Either way, I’m plugging on. I’ll continue this journey and go as long as it takes to get me to the end. My visits to the gym aren’t going away anytime soon. In fact, I’m at 3x a week through the rest of April and May. I’ll be back at 2x a week for the summer, since I have a busy schedule.

Technically, I’m done having to keep a food journal to bring in. I talked to Danielle (my trainer) about it, and she said that regardless, it’s important to keep journaling for myself. It’s easy to fall out of pattern, not keep track, and next thing you know….you’re gaining weight, because you cut corners. Write it down, get used to it….it’s a tool to keep me on track.

I’m going to bring some of that journaling here. This way, I have a record of what I’m doing, along with accountability. I don’t plan on writing my daily eats here each day, I’ll do that on a small journal I have at my desk. I will post each week how I’m doing, if I had challenges and so forth.

Today, I feel like I’m inching closer to normal. (My mindset of normal, not normal by any one else’s standards, since we all have our own). I don’t want to stand out as “the biggest person” in a room. To me, normal means blending, fitting in, not being obviously larger than everyone else. What’s your idea of normal?