With my caveman mentality, I believed a potato was just a potato.

“How big is your potato?” Danielle asked.

I laughed, it’s a potato…don’t they just come in one size. One potato is a serving size, and I’m having one potato. It’s not a special potato, it’s not a magic potato, it’s just a damn potato.

Guess what? A potato is NOT just a potato.

The red small potato on the left (this particular one) is 4 ounces. I get 3 ounces. The one on the right? In tiny print, where you get to squint to read it (yeah, I’m in my 40’s, maybe you younger kids don’t have to squint) it says 8 ounces. Guess what? I weighed it…it was ACTUALLY 12 ounces!!!!! OH MY GOSH, I’ve been having 4 servings of potatoes with that ONE potato. No fair!

I only had one potato, one serving, like I’d been told to.

Buying a scale and seeing for myself just how off I was has been eye opening. Guess who is back to trying again and this time weighing and measuring EVERYTHING? Yup, that would be me….the girl who almost gave up.

Here I am…seventh inning stretch….those last miles of a marathon, and that big arse brick wall sits in front of me. While technically, I’m not that close to my ending, this is the point where a big brick wall dropped down in front of me. It’s going to take a lot to get through it….

Let me explain!

I’ve been going to the gym and working out. I love my trainer, and I love how hard I’ve been working. I’m proud of myself. I’ve been eating so well, I almost don’t recognize myself. This has been happening for months…

…but I’m feeling stagnant. I just started some meds that should help my body kick it into gear. Here it is, summer on us, and I’m putting on shorts again. I’m realizing, I’m still the exact same clothing size, almost 9 months later. What the hell is the point of working so hard, if I can’t lose weight.

I’ve eaten what I wanted, done what I wanted and stayed the same size. Why do I have to work so hard, to just be the same size? It’s not fair…and I’m frustrated.

Work really hard, pay lots of money, bust my ass…see no change. OR….do what the hell I want, and stay the same. See what I’m saying?

Look, I know it’s a personal struggle, and I have to hang in there. I have to climb that wall, and realize that my health is better, whether my hips look better or my stomach changes right now.

It’s a frustrating place to be. I want to keep moving forward, but technically, I’m making as hard on myself as I possibly can. I am resisting every step of the way this past few weeks. I need to just let go, get to my appointments and take one day at a time.

I’m a small child in a woman’s body saying “I DON’T WANT TO!”

I started to climb that brick wall once before…but I slid back down. I’m going to start the climb again. I want to reach my goal and get to the end of this journey. I at least want to get a little closer to my goal…it’s just so damn frustrating, and I don’t understand why my body refuses to cooperate.

There was a town wide yard sale yesterday, and we joined in. We ended up raising not quite $200, but every penny is a victory, since the money is being donated to Breast Cancer research.  I had on my Avon Walk (walking in October) shirt and hat, along with a walk-a-thon poster and donation bucket.

I started my day with my regular smoothie, and knew I’d have to keep an eye on eating again during the middle of it. I went 5 hours, which isn’t too bad, though I should be at about 3-4 hours for eating. I came in and made some egg whites with a piece of healthy multi-grain toast (dry). Hubby was able to stand out if people came by.

I felt good about what I was doing, and am glad the proceeds are going to charity. What I didn’t feel good about was how I looked in my shirt. It’s not the most flattering shirt on me, but I wore it anyway. I smiled, and looked fat, but I still smiled. I always look fat, don’t get me wrong….I didn’t lose 100 pounds overnight, but some things are a little more flattering.

I was glad when we went out a little later that evening, that I had switched to a more flattering outfit.

It’s interesting that you carry yourself completely different when you like how you look. I felt stylish, comfortable and happy. I smiled this time too, but I think I stood a little differently, and I wasn’t berating myself inside.

Wearing something that makes you feel good really does make you feel better. While I wore the t-shirt with pride, I didn’t feel internal pride as to my appearance. It’s okay..I’m a grown-up, and I handled it….one day I’ll like how I look in a boxy cut t-shirt, but until then, I’ll mostly pass on those.

After my trainer and dietitian helped me track down my insulin resistance problem, I went to the doctor and have just started on medication to help me straighten that out. I’m hoping it helps my body regulate itself better, and maybe I’ll start losing some weight. I’ll be continuing my workouts and clean eating.

I will admit that I’ve had a small rough patch this past week. I’m struggling with my body. It’s hard to look in the mirror, and after all the work I’ve put in, well…clothes aren’t looser, and my body is still big…but we may have found a reason my body has been stuck.

Mentally, emotionally…I’ve changed a great deal. There are rewards there that I can’t describe well enough. It’s been a great lifestyle change for me….but like everyone in life, I have my ups and downs, and in those moments where I’m feeling sorry for myself, I start to say “Forget this” and just want to do what I want. It’s not an answer, and luckily, I’ve caught myself before spiraling out of control.

I’m hoping the medication is a step in the right direction. Thanks to Danielle for helping me discover this issue. She goes above and beyond what is expected, and I’m so grateful we’ve been working together.

I get my assessment done on Thursday. How far have I come in the last 12 weeks during this challenge? I’m nervous…what if I’m disappointed in my results? Will it be another stumbling block for me? I’m trying to mentally prepare myself, so I don’t get into a funk, if the numbers don’t match what I would like.

Either way, I’m plugging on. I’ll continue this journey and go as long as it takes to get me to the end. My visits to the gym aren’t going away anytime soon. In fact, I’m at 3x a week through the rest of April and May. I’ll be back at 2x a week for the summer, since I have a busy schedule.

Technically, I’m done having to keep a food journal to bring in. I talked to Danielle (my trainer) about it, and she said that regardless, it’s important to keep journaling for myself. It’s easy to fall out of pattern, not keep track, and next thing you know….you’re gaining weight, because you cut corners. Write it down, get used to it….it’s a tool to keep me on track.

I’m going to bring some of that journaling here. This way, I have a record of what I’m doing, along with accountability. I don’t plan on writing my daily eats here each day, I’ll do that on a small journal I have at my desk. I will post each week how I’m doing, if I had challenges and so forth.

Today, I feel like I’m inching closer to normal. (My mindset of normal, not normal by any one else’s standards, since we all have our own). I don’t want to stand out as “the biggest person” in a room. To me, normal means blending, fitting in, not being obviously larger than everyone else. What’s your idea of normal?

I feel like something clicked.  Maybe it was seeing all that butter together…

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and while I know things are changing, I just can’t see it. I only see my faults. Lately, I’m noticing good things though. I noticed my shoulders are more narrow, almost like a “normal person”. Ahhh, very telling, there…did you catch that? I must not be normal, if I’m this big. I’m finally feeling more “normal”.

When you feel like an outcast, everything is exaggerated. Nobody has outcast me, I’ve only done it to myself. In my brain, I separated myself based on my size. Funny, because I don’t do that to my friends or even strangers, only to myself.

…on a bright note, I think my obsession has gone. I’m not sure what happened, but something just clicked. I’m working hard, I’m eating well, and that’s all I can ask of myself right now. I’m doing well…and I finally believe it.

After 6 months of obsession, it’s gone. I woke up and poof, it just wasn’t there anymore. Imagine all that energy I put into it before…wasted time. I couldn’t focus on much besides that, but now it’s gone, and I can breathe again.

I feel good, and it’s a blessing. I’m not embarrassed, not ashamed…I’m just, well….I’m okay with me.

I saw someone today that I haven’t seen in about 6 weeks. I walked in, and she said, “You look great.”

Really? Do I look different? I can’t see it, because I see myself day to day, but it’s been a bigger gap of time for her. She was sincere, but of course in my head, I start to think, maybe she’s just being nice, since she knows I’m working out…why do I do that? Why do I discount words when it comes to my body?

I realized today my confidence has taken some heavy blows over the years, and I’m just starting to get it back. There’s a web design job that is right up my alley, and I can’t make myself contact the person. What if I can’t do it, or it doesn’t look good? Trust me, their outdated site that looks like a kid’s site couldn’t get much worse, but I still hold back. I’d rather not get the job than hear rejection. I have samples of my work, so they’d see what I’ve done so far.

I’ll bend over backwards to be an over achiever in my world, but I’m so afraid to trust I can carry that same thing to someone else. What if I let them down? On the other hand, if the pay isn’t worth my time, would I turn it down, or just be grateful to have the job? I discount my own value at times, and I’m teetering between the idea of contacting them, and then reeling at the thought.

I’m not looking for my life to change drastically when I lose weight. I live a very busy, full and happy life, but I would like to revisit with my confidence. I’ve missed it these last few years.

Here’s my most recent picture:

Yesterday, I seriously felt like crap. It’s my time of the month, my back hurt from shoveling my driveway twice, and I was just not a happy camper. My appointment wasn’t until later in the day, and about two hours before it, I decided I may cancel. I knew I’d be losing out not going, but the Advil wasn’t kicking in, I felt miserable, and exercising was the last thing on my mind.

….but I went anyway.

I sat there, and said to myself, you’ve made excuses your entire life. Now you’re 40 and fat. Excuses is how you got here. It’s one hour of your life, so get over there and workout, and what’s the worst thing to happen, I’ll feel a little worse for the wear?

Here’s the cool twist to the story, I ended up feeling better after I worked out. Go figure!

I just wanted to share this with you. It’s so easy to make an excuse. What’s hard is getting up and doing what you should be doing. So I did it, and in those moments, I’m proud of myself. I’ve spent 20 years having reasons WHY I couldn’t do something, and now I’m done with the excuses. It’s changed my entire attitude about what I can and can’t do. So if you’re making excuses, how many more years do you want to make excuses for? I wasted 20 years of my life making them, but I’m done with that. I go and get the workout that I need in, and my body says thank you, each and every time.

This topic came up in conversation today, and I thought I’d share it with you while it’s still on my mind. If you’re a new reader, you may know I’m taking part in a challenge through my trainer and with a group of women. I’m doing pretty well, but if you’re wondering how I got to the trainer in the first place, let me fill you in.

I’m 100 pounds overweight.

That deserves it’s own bold statement. It’s true. It’s not something that doesn’t touch me mentally, it’s on my mind a lot. How did I get here? I got here the same way most people do. I didn’t eat good foods, I got lazy, made bad choices, sat on my behind one too many days. Now, take in mind, it’s taken me almost 20 years to reach this point. I’ve been some form of overweight for a damn long time. When I had kids, my thyroid up and quit on me, and that made my metabolism sluggish. I gained weight easily, but I really made no solid effort through the years.

I jumped on and off of fad diets, walked for a while and stopped. I ate smaller meals, I ate protein meals, I ran, I did things, but not consistently for a long period of time. A diet to me was about 3 months, in which time I’d lose 1-20 pounds and then get frustrated when things stopped. Instead of sticking in, I would quit, regain the weight and hate myself for the process.

About 5 years ago, I started thinking about Gastric Bypass. I finally pulled my courage together and decided to go for it. Little did I know, I wouldn’t be approved. That’s okay, I’ll save my money and get it done I thought. Whoops, it wasn’t the money part, I had malabsorption issues, and they couldn’t operate on me. They were concerned I wouldn’t absorb enough of the vital things I needed afterward. That was last January when the process started. After a battery of tests, and finally being told no, I was hitting the wall.
I realized there was no other option. I either had to fix it myself, or just get bigger. Getting bigger is not an option. My self-esteem had all ready spiraled, and I just couldn’t fathom the thought of gaining more weight. My husband all ready is tolerant of my weight, but what if there’s a turning point where even he isn’t anymore?

I started to get depressed, because I just didn’t know what to do. Sure I could join a gym, but who would get me there if I didn’t feel like it? Who was going to make me accountable, keep me going when I couldn’t, and help me break bad eating habits.

I had thought of a trainer, but worried about the cost. I finally decided I couldn’t afford NOT to get help. I all ready had been tagged with Diabetes, and I knew my health was taking a beating being this big. My immune system seemed shot, and I just didn’t feel good on a daily basis.

It was time. It was my time. I turned 40 last June, and I slowly started thinking about “what I could do”.

It took me until September to finally go in and meet with Danielle, my trainer.

It’s been 4 1/2 months, and there’s no looking back. I feel healthy, strong, happy and I’m on my way to a better body, mind and spirit taking care of myself.

I’m eating clean, I’m working out, and I’m proud of myself.

So how did I get here? I waited until all the other easy fixes crapped out on me. Nothing did it, because there is no easy answer. It’s hard work. I’m making changes, and I’m establishing these as life long changes.

If I don’t feel like going to the gym, I know Danielle is waiting for me. I know she’ll push me, when I don’t want to push myself. I know I have to work hard, because it’s not going to just fall off by itself.

Adding in the clean eating has not only made me feel better, and have a healthier body. It’s made me see, I’m not lactose intolerant, it was crap I was eating. I went from having irritable bowel problems, to being normal. No seriously, 20 years of this was cleared up in less than a week. I gave up the chemicals and preservatives, and my insides are no longer churning, the bathroom issue is resolved, and I drink fat-free milk regularly in my smoothies without a single problem. Go figure, maybe that crap in your food is effecting you more than YOU thought!

I went on a grocery store tour with Danielle (my trainer) yesterday. There was a group of 5, and we went through aisle after aisle talking about what’s clean,what’s healthy and what we have to watch out for. It was really informative and lasted close to 2 hours.

I had gone about an hour after a workout, so I was feeling sore, but I muddled through it. One of the things I got out of this tour is that I’m absorbing more than I thought I was. I started dabbling in clean eating last month, and I look at how far I’ve come. I was absolutely terrified of the change, but here I am more than a month later, and I’m doing great. I did learn that one or two things I thought were safe, weren’t. I made assumptions, and that was just wrong. I need to keep my eyes on the ingredients and that’s my priority.

I had a rough emotional afternoon, because I was getting an assessment done for the 12 week challenge I’m in. I had to get pictures taken for the before and after shots, and when I looked at myself, I was ashamed of my body. My body is better than it was 4 months ago, but I also wasn’t focused on it. My mind was distracted by other things. Now that my body is a major focus in my life, I’m very hard on myself. I don’t know how I accepted my body this way for so long. Either way, we talked it out, she helped me work out some feelings I was having, and I’m moving forward.

You have to start somewhere. Here are some things that I appreciate and show me how far I’ve come, regardless of what the scale says.

My hips are now 3 inches smaller, as is my waist.

I’m stronger and healthier.

I have more confidence and I’m proud of myself after a work-out.

I believe in myself, that I can do difficult tasks.

My body chemistry is healthier.

I have more endurance.

I can run upstairs without being winded.

My shoulders are more narrow, and clothes are fitting better.

I’m going to keep going, because I need to reach my goal. I think the hardest thing is realizing that it may take me 2 years to get there, not 1, but you know what…who cares if I lose slowly. If I’m working towards better health, then I’m going in the right direction.