I went back to the gym this week twice. After working out and getting my eating back on track after vacation, everything felt right. Okay, I’m ready to go, I am back out of vacation mode, and I actually felt pretty good working out. Sure, I’m a little sore, but I felt refreshed. It was all good…

…I got my bloodwork results in the mail on Saturday. The stopped me dead in my tracks…my numbers continue to climb and go up, not down. I compared my A1C results, along with my cholesterol and other stuff, and everything is creeping higher. What the hell is wrong with my body? Why won’t my body respond to diet and exercise like everyone else?

I.WANT.TO.QUIT….but I won’t. Not yet…it’s not time. It may be time somewhere later, but not today. The things that I’m doing are right. I know that, they are healthy choices…but I don’t understand what is blocking my way. I just don’t get it…and it frustrates me so much.

I lost 1 1/2 inches in my arms. I gained close to 2 pounds, and nothing else. (probably muscle gain)…I started to cry a little today….it overwhelmed me…I’m working so hard, seriously, I’m freaking dripping with sweat when I leave…I’m working hard….I’m eating clean…i go to the trainer 3x a week now…

She’s as baffled as I am…and going to talk to another dietician to see if they can try to crack my code. I had told her I have a VERY HARD time losing when I walked in months ago.

It didn’t SURPRISE me, but it hurt that I didn’t see better numbers. (emotionally)

I have to remember that yes my body is changing, just not at the rate I’d like.

Honestly, I’m just tired of being fat, and I want to look better so badly, I can taste it..ya know….

Don’t worry, I won’t give up…but I felt a little deflated and frustrated….I’ve been so good, worked so hard…

My body has struggled for years, anytime i’ve done things…and I have to accept I’m undoing 20 years of abusing my body. The mental hurdles and barriers I’ve broken are worth it at this point.

I’ll be okay. Was down, but talked to my husbandl, and he confirmed what I all ready know…I’m working super hard, eating clean, and my body is changing….just a little at a time.

No exciting news.

My workouts will continue, I’ll continue eating clean…because I FEEL GOOD, STRONG and HEALTHY.

It’s the wrap up of the challenge I’ve been a part of, and my timing couldn’t be worse! I’ve been sick all week, and had to reschedule my regular workouts. Between congestion and coughing, along with an achy body, I’ve had a rough time.

I get back into the gym today for a workout, though I’ll have to take it at half-pace, since I still have a lot of congestion, and get short of breath more easily. I was hoping this bugger would be out of here sooner, but it knocked me out for a full week. The coughing was to the point that my husband ended up sleeping in the other room for a couple of nights, since I kept waking him. Sorry hon.

Either way, I’ve worked hard during this challenge to stay on track, eat clean and work out. One week isn’t going to make or break me….but, it did throw me for a loop.
Thumbs up to everyone who took part in the challenge, and good luck to you during your assessment.

I find my toughest challenge is to make myself get moving when it comes to exercise at home. I begrudgingly do it, but I know that when I get to the studio and work out with Danielle, I’ll get a better workout in. As for food, I’m actually pretty solid, though I’ve hit a little bit of boredom, and need to mix some new food choices together. It doesn’t matter, I’m standing strong on eating clean, as I feel so much better when I stick with it.

Here we are, moving ahead to March, and about 5 weeks are behind us now. With 5 weeks in front of us, do you think you’ll meet your personal goals?

I’ve had to cough up $10 for the kitty, due to my exercise slips. Not a pretty reality, but not too bad considering.

I’m sitting here drinking my water, and doing okay. I go through a lot of ups and downs with emotions  on this roller coaster of a losing weight ride. I’m handling those downs a little better though, and am able to see the big picture a little more clearly.

I’d love to hear from you, so if you’re reading this, be sure to leave a comment and let me know how things are going for you. See the little tan box below this? Click on the phrase “Leave a comment” and it will open a new place for you to write. Hope to hear from you!

I’m raising the bar…on myself. I’ve upped the ante, and I’m now signed up to work out 3x a week, in place of my regular 2x. I’ve been going to Danielle (my personal trainer) since September on a steady routine of twice a week since September. I’ve decided that through spring, I’m going to push myself just a little harder.

I’m in a modified challenge with a group, and I’m finding my biggest struggle is exercising at home. I’ve all ready paid the “kitty” (cheater’s pot) twice for lack of exercise. I’m actually spot on, in the zone with my eating, but I’d started doing clean eating about 3-4 weeks before the challenge started, so I had worked through most of my hurdles when it started. Exercise is another thing….making myself get on my treadmill, do a video or use my resistance bands at home…well, it’s not that I don’t do it, but I don’t push myself enough.

Adding a third day a week sounded like a good idea, but last night after recovering from my day’s workout, I wondered how my body would feel! I’ll be a “good” sore for a few weeks until I adjust to adding a day. We did one legged “leg presses” last night, and geez did I feel that creep in as the night wore on.

Either way, it’s now or never baby…and I’m in a good way. I think it’s what I need to do right now; I’ve never wanted it more. I lose very slowly, but I’m finally becoming okay with that. My biggest issue is my stomach, and I guess because I’m focused on it now, it bothers me more.

I’m fitting in clothes differently, but I’m not one of those girls who consistently loses 10 pounds a month, and I’m not one of those girls getting rid of loose fitting clothing. Of course, I am one of those girls who stretched out all her size 22 clothing, so I didn’t have to face my reality that I was more like a 24-26.

I feel like this is a positive thing for me, and then come summer, because my schedule changes, I’ll go back to 2x a week. Wish me luck on my change, and that I can hang in there!

How are you feeling this week? What are your biggest challenges? Leave me a comment and let me know!

Here’s my most recent picture:

Yesterday, I seriously felt like crap. It’s my time of the month, my back hurt from shoveling my driveway twice, and I was just not a happy camper. My appointment wasn’t until later in the day, and about two hours before it, I decided I may cancel. I knew I’d be losing out not going, but the Advil wasn’t kicking in, I felt miserable, and exercising was the last thing on my mind.

….but I went anyway.

I sat there, and said to myself, you’ve made excuses your entire life. Now you’re 40 and fat. Excuses is how you got here. It’s one hour of your life, so get over there and workout, and what’s the worst thing to happen, I’ll feel a little worse for the wear?

Here’s the cool twist to the story, I ended up feeling better after I worked out. Go figure!

I just wanted to share this with you. It’s so easy to make an excuse. What’s hard is getting up and doing what you should be doing. So I did it, and in those moments, I’m proud of myself. I’ve spent 20 years having reasons WHY I couldn’t do something, and now I’m done with the excuses. It’s changed my entire attitude about what I can and can’t do. So if you’re making excuses, how many more years do you want to make excuses for? I wasted 20 years of my life making them, but I’m done with that. I go and get the workout that I need in, and my body says thank you, each and every time.

Man, I hate the endurance stuff when I’m training! It wears me out. I woke up this morning only to be reminded my trainer kicked my arse yesterday! It’s all good, because I need to work hard. Don’t like those pulsing leg presses though, HELLO!

The cardio session on the board was intense, and I was huffing and puffing away hanging in the best I was able. I came home and had to do about 3 loads of laundry. Every time I went up and down those stairs (laundry in the basement), I was feeling it big time in my knees and hips. Damn, maybe I’m just old!

At one point while I was doing some work with weights, she smiled at me all happy and sing-songy, and I smiled back and said, “I don’t like you right now. I’ll like you again in about 5 minutes.” She smiled in her sweet, usual self and said, “That’s fine.” How can you not like this girl? She’s adorable.

Anyway, I survived, and I always feel good after working out. Well, let me correct that. I feel like crap, drained, tired, and realizing I’ve let me body go. After all of that stuff passes, I feel good, strong and proud! ha

She helps me get and stay motivated. She gets me to work harder than I would by myself. I know my goal is out there, it’s just going to take me awhile to reach it. It’s okay, I have a good person on my side helping me one step at a time. Thanks D.

I went on a grocery store tour with Danielle (my trainer) yesterday. There was a group of 5, and we went through aisle after aisle talking about what’s clean,what’s healthy and what we have to watch out for. It was really informative and lasted close to 2 hours.

I had gone about an hour after a workout, so I was feeling sore, but I muddled through it. One of the things I got out of this tour is that I’m absorbing more than I thought I was. I started dabbling in clean eating last month, and I look at how far I’ve come. I was absolutely terrified of the change, but here I am more than a month later, and I’m doing great. I did learn that one or two things I thought were safe, weren’t. I made assumptions, and that was just wrong. I need to keep my eyes on the ingredients and that’s my priority.

I had a rough emotional afternoon, because I was getting an assessment done for the 12 week challenge I’m in. I had to get pictures taken for the before and after shots, and when I looked at myself, I was ashamed of my body. My body is better than it was 4 months ago, but I also wasn’t focused on it. My mind was distracted by other things. Now that my body is a major focus in my life, I’m very hard on myself. I don’t know how I accepted my body this way for so long. Either way, we talked it out, she helped me work out some feelings I was having, and I’m moving forward.

You have to start somewhere. Here are some things that I appreciate and show me how far I’ve come, regardless of what the scale says.

My hips are now 3 inches smaller, as is my waist.

I’m stronger and healthier.

I have more confidence and I’m proud of myself after a work-out.

I believe in myself, that I can do difficult tasks.

My body chemistry is healthier.

I have more endurance.

I can run upstairs without being winded.

My shoulders are more narrow, and clothes are fitting better.

I’m going to keep going, because I need to reach my goal. I think the hardest thing is realizing that it may take me 2 years to get there, not 1, but you know what…who cares if I lose slowly. If I’m working towards better health, then I’m going in the right direction.

I’m starting a 12 week challenge with a group of people through my trainer. The goal is t lose the most body fat in that period of time in a healthy, clean and mindful manner. The question we have to ask ourselves is how badly do we want it….how badly do we want to reach our goals?

One of the questions last night that came up was dining out. My lifestyle has me eating out about 2-3 meals a week. It’s something I enjoy, and I decided when I started eating clean last month, that it had to fit into my lifestyle. I needed to make it work for me. At first I felt overwhelmed because I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to be stuck eating a salad every single time I went out. I like variety, and I like my favorite places.

Turns out, I found that the menu was my biggest obstacle. Read that closely, the menu was my biggest obstacle. When presented with so many delicious choices, how do I make myself choose something good? That’s simple, I open my mouth and order something clean or healthy. Once that menu was out of my hands and my food was ordered, it was a cake walk from there. Turns out, it really didn’t matter what I ordered, I still enjoyed it. It’s the head games and mind stuff that gets you when you have all your favorites staring at you from the menu.

Now I order chicken breast, steak, dry baked potatoes. I order salads, I order veggies, and other choices. The words just have to come out of my mouth. I still love dining out, now I am mindful in what I choose when I eat out.

Danielle has asked me to try and cut back on the juice in my water. When I first started this eating clean journey last month, I was almost in tears thinking of giving up my favorite things. You have no idea how much Diet Coke I drank. Seriously, it’s the ONLY liquid I drank and I drank it day and night. I’m not a fan of plain water, though I’m okay with it when I’m working out, so we made a deal. I add cran-grape light juice into my water bottle. I get 4 ounces (measured) to 20 ounces of water. Now she has asked me to try cutting back to 2 ounces. I’ll be honest, I’m scared, what if I can’t get used to it? Does it make me a loser? No, it means I gave it a chance. I’m trying something…there’s nothing written in stone that says, Deb…this is what you must do for the rest of your life. I never thought I could drink water even with a little juice in it. I have to try. I’m going to make the effort, because I want it bad enough to work for it.

When I say “How badly do you want it?” let me ask you something…do you just want it? or are you determined to make it happen?

I’ve been FAT (dreaded word) for close to 20 years. I’ve “wanted” to lose weight for 20 years, and I’ve made efforts along the way. In my brain, sure I wanted to look better, but I wasn’t willing to make the changes that were necessary. I’m finally at the point where I’m determined. Baby, get out of my way if you’re not in it to win it, because I’m willing to work hard, give up some things that I like, learn to like new foods, and make the changes. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, but I’m finally trying it on, and I’m going to make my 40’s better than my 20’s and 30’s, so take that! I turn 41 in June, and I plan to be smaller and healthier. Care to join me?

I picked up a t-shirt and sweatshirt from CafePress for the gym. The sweatshirt fits me well, but the t-shirt is a little snug. I can put it on, and it hugs my chest nicely, but it also hugs my stupid stomach below it! It’s not pretty! Anyway, this is one of my goals right now, to be able to wear this shirt by the end of February comfortably. I should mention there’s a coat I’m “almost” in too. It fits me well around my shoulders now, but it’s still tight zipping it. By the end of February, I’ll be wearing these. I really want to. I want to see the progress. What do you try to fit into?

I have some jeans I saved over the years, and they are my ultimate goal, but I’m still working on smaller goals.

I hate my stomach. It’s so big, and it seems to be the last piece of me to want to respond. My legs and hips are responding, along with my shoulders. My stomach….it’s just there. It will go eventually, I just hate the waiting process. I’m not giving up though, I’ve been working so hard.

I’m about to start a challenge on Sunday, so I’m ready to kick it up a notch.

Here’s the sweatshirt if you wanted to check out other stuff. You can click on the pictures and it will take you over to the store to buy apparel, etc.