It felt good not to think about food or stuff for awhile. I was getting overwhelmed and obsessed with my body. After a breather, I no longer feel obsessed, and rarely even think about my body unless I’m dressing or near a mirror.

I also took a break from making all the right choices with my food. I went way overboard, because I’d be reeled in tightly for awhile. While it was fun, I consciously made the decision I want to eat better again. It felt right, and now I actually say, “I don’t want to put those chemicals in me”. That’s what needed to happen. I needed it to be because I chose it, I wanted it, not because I was told this was the right thing for me. I knew it was, but I rebel when I’m not making those kinds of decisions.

I had a last “yahoo” kind of week, but I’ve just brought lots of healthy food back into my house, and I’m making plans to pack good school lunches, along with having better snacks and dinners again.

It feels good this time. It’s not an obsession; it’s merely a choice.

Wonder where I’ve been? I made a decision to take a break for awhile. I felt like I was spinning my wheels and getting no where. I started  to obsess and just felt myself slipping into a depression.

It sounded something like this in my head: I’ve worked hard for a year, and I’m still fat. I could have done nothing and stayed in the same place. It hurts inside more knowing how hard I worked at change…

I hit a point one day; after seeing myself in a store mirror. I didn’t look like the strong woman I felt like. I looked like another fat lady who lacked self-control and let my body end up looking like this.  Strangers walking by didn’t know I’d been working with a trainer for a year. Nobody on the outside knows that…they see me, and they see the shape of my body..and that’s all they see.

I took a break. I’m on break until I think early October. It’s not written in stone yet, but that’s my goal.

Thursday I pulled something, and yesterday and today I’ve been having all sorts of fun with it. My gluteus maximum pulled and has been in spasms, shooting pain to my lower back and hip in th process. My husband smiles and says I should tell my trainer about my lovely “pain in the ass” as he continues smirking. I told him “No thank you, I’d end up with a lecture, because I haven’t stretched enough.” I knew it was my fault…I got a massage, I’m popping Advil, and slathering on menthol cream in the process.

The hiatus is helping me. I’m not obsessing about food, and doing okay. I’m coming out of the pit I was sliding into emotionally, and for now, that’s enough.

With my caveman mentality, I believed a potato was just a potato.

“How big is your potato?” Danielle asked.

I laughed, it’s a potato…don’t they just come in one size. One potato is a serving size, and I’m having one potato. It’s not a special potato, it’s not a magic potato, it’s just a damn potato.

Guess what? A potato is NOT just a potato.

The red small potato on the left (this particular one) is 4 ounces. I get 3 ounces. The one on the right? In tiny print, where you get to squint to read it (yeah, I’m in my 40’s, maybe you younger kids don’t have to squint) it says 8 ounces. Guess what? I weighed it…it was ACTUALLY 12 ounces!!!!! OH MY GOSH, I’ve been having 4 servings of potatoes with that ONE potato. No fair!

I only had one potato, one serving, like I’d been told to.

Buying a scale and seeing for myself just how off I was has been eye opening. Guess who is back to trying again and this time weighing and measuring EVERYTHING? Yup, that would be me….the girl who almost gave up.

This is what lunch looks like this week. I was struggling with getting back on track when I returned home from vacation. Danielle sat down with me and helped me figure out what to eat this week to get me back on track.

One of the things I’m seeing is that eye-balling and guessing what 3 ounces is, and weighing it…well, WOW! I’ll show you a comparison shortly of what was happening.

While we may hear that a piece of chicken will be about the size of your palm, thickness isn’t accounted for. So in your brain, I was saying, well this is “ABOUT” the right size. Guess what? I was wrong! My portions were too large. I need to actually weigh and measure my foods.

Approximating was leaving me eating too much, and my portion sizes weren’t spot on. Some were better than others, but what a difference a scale makes.

…not in a bad obsessive way though. That’s a good thing! I’m actually coming to a point where I have to make a decision.

I need to decide where to go from here. Where is here? Well, I’ve been working out, I’ve tried different ways of eating, and still here I sit at the same weight, and my blood work results are not changing.

The last two weeks I’ve been thinking about clean eating, low carb, low fat and every other things I’ve done along the way. I decided if none of them are helping me with the weight loss battle, maybe I need to look at the next thing.

I asked myself…If this is the weight I’m at for the rest of my life, and I knew what I ate was never going to have any effect on my weight, how would I eat?

The answer to that, was looking at the next piece of the puzzle. I guess I’d focus on my diabetes and trying to eat better with that in mind. I think on that count, I’d limit my carb intake some. I’m not sure if this is an answer to anything in particular, but I think I’ll be NOT OBSESSIVELY watching my carbs and the GI index with foods.  Every time I think I’ve made a decision, I change it again.

Do I really want to keep adding chemicals to my body that aren’t naturally found in food. I’ll take some elements I learned about clean eating, and drop my carb count…but you know what? I’m not going to obsess over any of it. I’m going to try to NOT think about food, but think about portions, and which option is the healthiest choice at each meal without feeling like it’s a struggle.

It sounds nice in my head, but who knows for sure what that means on the day to day. Will I be able to do this, will I flip-flop back and forth with stuff? I just know that after 1 year of working hard, and still looking quite similar in the mirror, I’m ready to STOP thinking about food so much.

I’m heading off on a fun trip with my son for 2 weeks. My biggest challenges will be making sure to eat well, as along with getting plenty of exercise. We’ll be doing a lot of swimming, walking and other things, but I need it to be extra. I need to make healthy choices, and I need to move my body often.

I’ll see you when I return. Cheers!

I’m not eating clean this week. In fact, I’m barely eating at all. I’m eating, just not like usual. I woke up Thursday with a sinus infection, along with laryngitis. I felt like crap, and quite honestly, the thing that’s keeping me going more than anything is a large cup of diluted juice.

Yesterday I had some egg whites, and picked at a little bit of chicken my husband cooked up. I also had a bowl of fat free, no sugar added ice cream. The cold felt good on my throat. I tried my smoothie this morning, but things taste funny right now. We cut up some cantaloupe (my favorite), but it tastes weird thanks to my cold. :\ Everytime I eat, I end up coughing anyway, so I’d rather just drink my juice.

Of course, I’m one of those people who has to watch my sugars. I’m taking medication, and what’s interesting is how much of it has sugar in it. There’s a diabetic aisle in some stores now which have sugar free medicine. I haven’t visited it yet. I want my damn Nyquil, ya know? (and Dayquil for that matter)

I’m hoping I only have 2 more days of this yuck until I’m back to normal. Blah…

My trainer is on vaca this week, and I told her I’d sweat 2x while she was gone. Do hot flashes count? I was hot flashing like crazy last night? You’d have sworn it was a fever the way I was sweating, but alas, I knew the difference, it was a hot flash.

I need this to hurry and go away, so I can hit my treadmill or cut the grass or do something before she comes back. I can’t do it sick, but as soon as I’m feeling like myself, I’m going to get moving. The problem is I moved TOO much yesterday, and my husband scolded me, and told me to sit still or go lie down. I wasn’t doing either of us any favors.

I went back to the gym this week twice. After working out and getting my eating back on track after vacation, everything felt right. Okay, I’m ready to go, I am back out of vacation mode, and I actually felt pretty good working out. Sure, I’m a little sore, but I felt refreshed. It was all good…

…I got my bloodwork results in the mail on Saturday. The stopped me dead in my tracks…my numbers continue to climb and go up, not down. I compared my A1C results, along with my cholesterol and other stuff, and everything is creeping higher. What the hell is wrong with my body? Why won’t my body respond to diet and exercise like everyone else?

I.WANT.TO.QUIT….but I won’t. Not yet…it’s not time. It may be time somewhere later, but not today. The things that I’m doing are right. I know that, they are healthy choices…but I don’t understand what is blocking my way. I just don’t get it…and it frustrates me so much.

Yeah, I guess it’s time to snap back to reality. I vacationed, and I vacationed hard. That’s right, sugar was my friend, I lazed around and I’ll pay for it.

I did work in a few walks, and don’t let it be said walking on sand is an easy task! We did some beach walking, and took a couple walks on pavement also….but it wasn’t enough to burn off the extra calories. It was after dinners usually, so you didn’t have that “UGH” bloated feeling!

I had fried food. I had sugar…and I’m in mourning, realizing it’s back to reality. It’s okay, it’s better for me to eat right…I’ll appreciate it again once I get in pattern.

Back to the trainer on Wednesday, and back to healthier choices.

It was fun while it lasted; I’m not going to lie!

I lost an inch in my waist, got a massage today, and leave for vacation tomorrow.

Life is good..it sucked, but then it got better. It always does.

See you in a few days.